The ‘what I want in a man’ list…

So one of the things I spend quite some time discussing aside from my dreams, my business and work is… Love and my lack there of.

 

172“…sometimes I get tired. Sometimes I get bored. And sometimes all I want, more than anything else in the world, is to go on a freaking date.” Kiersten White

I saw a funny quote on Insta ‘Im at that stage where half my friends are getting engaged or having babies and the other half are to drunk to find their phones’ this is me. But I would perhaps change the other from to drunk to find their phones to ‘to focused on their dreams to be seen’.

It’s been said to me many times during this little life of mine that I should create the list.
You know the one Im talking about…the list that lists all the things you want in your perfect man.
And surprisingly a few of the happily married couples I now have done this and highly recommend it. Because apparently how do you know what you want if you dont?

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“Never rearrange your life in order to meet Mr. Darcy half way. If he couldn’t see your worth at the moment you met then he won’t two years later’ Shannon Alder

I don’t have a list. Does this mean I’m confused about what I want? Or does it mean that I realise that the odds of finding my Mr perfect are getting smaller and smaller and Im hoping that love will find the way (without my particularly picky list of requirements I’ve decided I not only want but need in the chosen man)? Is it the fact that I dont have ‘the list’ that I seem to have attract a whole lot of Mr Maybes? Mr Im not sure, Mr facebook booty call message, Mr commitmentphobe.

As I’ve been unsuccessful in love, I would even say failing miserably… I’ve decided to create my list.

Not even sure where to start but I guess one of the first has got to be D R I V E N. Do you know how hard it is to find someone you can have those soul on fire conversations with?! I mean is it too much to ask for someone to understand when you are on deadline or at this stage in the game of my business that there isn’t a lot of structure and Im the be all and end all (not as of next week!! #newstaff #yayyyyyyyy).

‘I love a man with a great sense of humour and who is intelligent – a man who has a great smile. He has to make me laugh. I like a man who is very ambitious and driven and who has a good heart and makes me feel safe. I like a man who is very strong and independent and confident – that is very sexy – but at the same time, hes very kind to people.’ Nicole Scherzinger

 

^^^ This about sums up my list 🙂

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Secondly…someone kind, compassionate. Someone who listens when you talk, who turns their phone off while your on a date (this is one of my personally biggest reason to black X someone), someone who exercises manners.
Being polite and well mannered has become so rare it’s mistaken for flirting (thanks insta quote).

Someone real.
I am so over guys/men saying they want one thing, then go and date the opposite. Why??? Are we settling? Is there anyone left looking for that all-consuming love??? Or are we all just to crazed about being with someone, anyone is better than no one?

‘To be rejected by someone doesn’t mean you should also reject yourself or that you should think of yourself as a lesser person. It doesn’t mean that nobody will ever love you anymore. Remember that only ONE person has rejected you at the moment’ Jocelyn Soriano

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No games. I refuse to play them & you can f^*k off you expect to play them with me, honestly. If you like someone, say so. If you want to go on a date, say so. I’m over the ‘I should wait a few hrs before messaging so he doesn’t think I’m to keen’ the ‘Im busy’, the ‘kinda seeing someone’.
It’s all just a joke to me. And yes I understand most of us have our battle scars and have built ourselves unbreakable shields to protect us, but how will you ever get what you want without building a bridge or mending what was once broken?

“Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake & help us see we are worth so much more than we’re settling for.”  Mandy Hale

Obviously fitness is a must and any kind of yoga training is definitely a plus. I believe yoga has changed me and I know that most yogis experience this. 

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Someone who does what they say they will. THIS IS NOT TOO HARD. Call when you say you will. Make plans and keep them. 

‘If hes not calling you, its because your not on his mind.’ Greg Brehendt

A…P A S S I O N A T E | ROMANTIC.
Perhaps this is a lot to ask…wink emoticon.

Someone who believes in magic.

I believe. Do you?

And the rest I’ll add to the list and keep it personal.
I am a big believer that anything we want we can have, with our thoughts. So I’ll write my list (apparently it has to be quite specific down to what he does…does #boss cut it? I love the #boss & #boss = empire ideal. Some websites even recommend 100 attributes) and continue to believe that one day the right man for me will come into my life at the right time.

“I don’t understand dating.. and the other things that people do.. all I know is that you ought to find the one you recognize. The one who gives you four arms, four legs, four eyes, and has the other half of your heart. There’s only one of those, so what are all the other things for? Like dating?”  C. Joybell C

Love, Charlie x.

I’m curious do you have ‘the list’  and has it worked for you?

Do you jump, or are you dateless?

You know, I use this blog as a way to express myself, to show the world, or anyone who might be interested 😉 my reality, and also as my own way to release my {#crazy} thoughts. And it just so happens, theres people that apparently read them {thank you}.

One of the things my stats show you particularly like, is my ongoing quest to meet my Mr Right & the navigation of this thing that’s called the dating game that seems to be more strategic than a game of chess, with more than 2 players and ridiculously indecipherable.

dating24Something that Ive been thinking alot about, is how some people are permanently ‘in’ relationships’ (with different people) you know the ones, fb status change to in and out of relationships faster than the styles in season change.

I call these people jumpers (I used to date one, he couldnt be alone for a moment so would ‘jump’ from person to person).

Then there’s the people, like myself and others I know…that cant even seem to find a date, I call these the dateless (Oh my, labelling myself lol).

What is the difference??? And as always I dont believe any way is right or wrong, Im just intrigued. AndI know both men & women who are in both of these categories.

The jumpers…how can they fall in love so quickly, when their heart has apparently just been obliterated into pieces? Does this happen before the end of a relationship? Is it the facebook messages, the secret Instagram emojis that signal the start of something?

“We’re not dating,” Alec said again.
“Oh?” Magnus said. “So you’re just that friendly with everybody, is that it?” City of Ashes

Are the ‘jumpers’ so used to being  in a relationship they must have someone there…is it always love or is it merely comfort? Or is it that they are less selfless than the dateless (lol, just makes me laugh because its sadly true Im in this category!), that being in a relationship with them is easier for their new love? Do they have ‘relationship’ written on them? (this I definitely dont agree to).

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“Hope for love, pray for love, wish for love, dream for love…but don’t put your life on hold waiting for love.” Mandy Hale
As for the dateless…these are people who I know, and you know them to, that are genuinely great people, yet cant even find the beginning of a spark. Now, the majority of these people I know, both men and woman are independent and they generally have their own business. Is it a case then that our businesses have consumed us? Do our babies (because lets be real, a business is your baby) use our passion, our love, our energy? Or do they make us seem self centered when we cancel plans because we have to work…. selfish because we would rather invest our time working than try a first date as from previous experience the work has a guaranteed success rate compared to the dates? (My experiences)

What is the missing key?

Are some people settling just to be with someone? Is that the jumpers key to success? (although I wouldn’t say success with most of these people in and out of fast short lived relationships). Is it that we are taught not to settle for less than we deserve??? So as we gain strength and business success we naturally lift our expectations? And yes, expectations are the first key to disappointment. But is it to much to ask for that all consuming love. That magic. You hear about it… (it seems elusive), that ‘knowing’.

“To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. People eventually get sick of waiting, take a chance on someone, and by the art of commitment become soulmates, which takes a lifetime to perfect.” Criss Jami

Or is it, that like me, were old school romantics, preferring to be asked on a date, rather than a Facebook message saying your hot, or even worse…lets watch a ‘movie’ (Im sure everyone knows by know what ‘movie’ means). Is it too much to ask for effort? To not play games and just to be honest?

Im just so confused. And I dont want to play the dating game…but not playing is also getting me nowhere (LOL) how is a girl/or guy to win?

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“Here’s something else to think about: calling when you say you’re going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can’t lay this one stupid brick down, you ain’t never gonna have a house baby, and it’s cold outside.” 
Are the jumpers so accustomed to be with somebody, anybody is better than nobody? And the dateless…are they so set in their ways now, that it seems nearly impossible to make time & space for new love?

The answer…as always who knows, I definitely dont.

But what I do know, is that I will refuse to settle.

Love & light, Charlie x.

(The below is me, here waiting for a miracle 😉

 

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“Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?” Greg Behrendt

A woman or a girl; how to tell.

As  I am changing my life, working every day on my dreams whilst still trying to be the best person I can be (kind, thoughtful, loving, giving), I truly feel like I am becoming a woman.

“A girl wants attention, a woman wants respect. A girl wants to be adored by many. A woman wants to be adored by one.” -anonymous

What is the difference between a woman and a girl? How can you tell?

Being a woman brings a cultivated sense of self. As you get older, you become wiser. A very true age old saying.

 

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‘I like being a woman, even in a man’s world. After all, men can’t wear dresses, but we can wear the pants.’ Whitney Houston

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being either. I just wanted to express my thoughts about my feelings, and experiences of what I believe is entering womanhood.

You learn not to sweat the small stuff, you learn about true relationships and people. You become aware of who you are. The things you like, the things you dislike. Youve made enough mistakes to learn from (perhaps are still learning and your ok with that).

After years of hard work, growing and learning some woman find it objectionable to be labelled or called a girl. It’s as though being a ‘woman’ rather than a girl demands respect. Weve done the hard work, lived through the highs and lows of life and have chosen the lives we currently live. We have been tested with lifes tribulations and proved that we are worthy of a beautiful life.

woman
noun
  1. an adult human female
girl
noun
  1. a female child.

‘It takes people a long time to learn the difference between talent and genius, especially ambitious young men and women.’ Louisa May Alcott

I recently read in an article; I go to work with woman, I go shopping with the ‘girls’ (obviously woman but meaning a sense of freedom, about letting our inner child come out). Is there pressure as a woman to always be composed? Perhaps so. Woman have a demeanour, a sense of knowing, you may even call it ‘pressure’ placed on them. Especially to ‘make it’ in this fast paced world. I know there are several woman I aspire to be like and they always hold themselves with composure, speak words of truth and are true to who they are. They just know who they are, and what they want, and what they need to do to attain it.

As a woman you create a confidence. A confidence that comes from a trust of yourself.

‘People think at the end of the day that a man is the only answer [to fulfillment]. Actually a job is better for me.’ Princess Diana

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We can develop these senses through more self-love work, more positive affirmations, more healthy habits.

Every day you are creating change in your life, every small step today is towards your future self. My gosh, even the food you eat today, is what you become…your skin cells turnover every 28 days (approx and this does slow down as we age), the food you eat creates the cells within your body…Are you making the right choices? You really are what you eat.

Do men prefer woman or girls, well I guess that is up to the individual man. Some of my male friends prefer ‘yes’ girls, the type that aren’t pre committed to their own career instead want their woman/girl to  commit to their own beck and call (which is also fine if that works for you).

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‘Smart women love smart men more than smart men love smart women.’ Natalie Portman

Girls have a tendency to believe that the world revolves around image; woman know its whats on the inside that counts.

Girls may believe a man will be their financial saviour; woman know they can be their own financial success.

Girls play games; woman don’t.

Girls look for someone to look after them; woman look for others to look after.

Girls change themselves depending on their man or situation; woman have a firm set of beliefs and sense of self regardless of the situation or man.

Girls speak without integrity; Woman offer integrity in everything they do.

Girls have not yet learnt the value of their body and will use it for attention, flaunting & disrespectfully; woman have learnt the body is priceless to be treasured and shared with someone special.

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“After spending time with a girl, you feel exhausted because she takes more than she gives. After spending time with a woman, you feel invigorated, because she empowers you with possibility, and a passion for life.”  N. Mah

{Please note this is not an ALL girls or ALL woman are like the above post}

After all,we are all beautiful creations. But believe me if I could give my 20yr old self some of the wisdom I know now, I would have changed a few of my ways 😉 In writing that, I wouldnt be where I am today and wouldnt have my story to tell, which is so perfectly imperfect, Im grateful.

Love & light, Charlie x.

All I aim for now is to be respected. Not loved or even liked (but if wither then this makes me happy), but respected for my grind, for my dream chasing, for my passion to create change.

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17 Things To Expect When You Date A Girl Who’s Used To Being On Her Own

I read this and had to have a giggle to myself. Lately there’s been a lot of talk about what makes a man a man and what makes a woman, a woman. At least in my world & from what I see on Social Media, perhaps because Im trying to date and am personally wondering how many frogs will I have to kiss until I get my prince?

How do you know if you’re dating either? Theres something really strange happening and I just don’t quite get it, but men, or boys, I’m not sure; both are choosing to be with ‘girls’ as such described in my previous post ‘A girl or a woman?’ {please note I am not saying either is wrong or right} & the strong, independent, dream chasing women are left wondering ‘when will I ever met him’ {read, someone who challenges me, inspires me, laughs with me, understands me..#lovesme 😉 } Yes, me. This question interrupts my world changing thoughts on a daily, really hourly basis.

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So I had to share, with some added quotes & images #charliestyle.

“A girl wants attention, a woman wants respect. A girl wants to be adored by many. A woman wants to be adored by one.” -anonymous

17 Things To Expect When You Date A Girl Who’s Used To Being On Her Own

Kovie Biakolo, thoughtcatalog.com

1. Expect her to do her own thing often and without letting you know, at least at first. It’s not that you don’t matter; it’s just that she’s learned to love doing what she wants, when she wants, and without asking permission or informing anyone.

‘It takes people a long time to learn the difference between talent and genius, especially ambitious young men and women.’ Louisa May Alcott

2. She’ll probably want to take things slowly because she’ll not be used to all the attention. Don’t think she doesn’t like you enough, she probably likes you a lot; it’s just all new to her.

3. Expect her friends to be overprotective of her and to be suspicious of you at first. They’re not used to her being with someone and they’ll want to make sure you’re the kind of guy who will treat her well.

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4. She’ll have a hard time letting you do things for her. Try not to take this personally. She’s just used to taking care of herself and it’ll be hard for her to live in a world where she’s got someone else looking out for her in that way.

5. Expect her to be stubborn, to always want things her way, and to fight you when she doesn’t get it. Don’t always give in to her, but do let her win sometimes.

‘Real magic in relationships means an absence of judgment of others.’ Wayne Dyer

6. She needs to be left alone often especially when you first start seeing each other and it should feel like she’s head over heels. Believe that she has more butterflies in her stomach than she knows what to do with, which is why she’ll need to compose herself.

7. Expect her to pull away from you, especially when she realizes how much she likes you. She’ll come back to you but she’ll need time to think her feelings through.

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8. She’ll question you, sometimes directly, sometimes implicitly, about your feelings for her. She’ll always want to know if they are real or if she’s making things up in her head.

9. Expect her to be headstrong. She’ll tell you, “I’ve got this,” more than you’ll want to hear. But she’ll get used to your offers to help. And in time she’ll know how to let go of the tight grip she seems to have on everything.

10. She’ll be guarded, and she won’t be keen on letting you in. She’s waiting to see if you’re patient, she’s waiting to see if you’re worth it. She’s hoping that you’re worth it.

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11. Expect her to be stingy with trust, to only give a little bit at a time. But every time she gives you a little, it’ll feel like a big step for her. Cherish these big steps.

12. She’ll come across as strong, maybe too strong for you at first. But don’t be intimidated, this is her outer shell. And when you get to know her, you’ll know she’s strong but soft; tough but kind.

13. Expect her to be reserved, at least about the things that matter. Until you really get to know her. And then you’ll see the untamed, raw, and always beautiful open version of her that she’ll let you fully discover.

14. She’ll be slow with her vulnerabilities, and hide many of her weaknesses. And when she shows you them, she’ll feel naked. Clothe her with your words.

15. Expect her not to need you, and not to believe in needing much of anything at all. But she’ll want you. And when she does, it’ll be the most exhilarating feeling you’ve ever experienced.

“After spending time with a girl, you feel exhausted because she takes more than she gives. After spending time with a woman, you feel invigorated, because she empowers you with possibility, and a passion for life.”  N. Mah

16. She’ll be scared – scared to be hurt, scared to love, and be loved. Scared that you’ll eventually hurt her or leave her and if and when that happens, she won’t know who she was before.

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17. Being alone is her default, it’s her comfort zone. But expect her to fall in love with you faster than she’ll admit and in a way that isn’t loud but still powerful; it’ll be like a little bit of heaven. And it won’t matter if you love her for a while or for a lifetime; her love will change both you and her forever.

Love & light Charlie x.

& if you know someone like the below… 😉

‘I love a man with a great sense of humor and who is intelligent – a man who has a great smile. He has to make me laugh. I like a man who is ambitious and driven and who has a good heart and makes me feel safe. I like a man who is very strong and independent and confident – that is very sexy – but at the same time, he’s kind to people.’ Nicole Scherzinger

Honesty; a priceless quality

Have we become so self obsessed/busy that we’ve forgotten standard moral code?

The right way to treat other people? Common courtesy? R E S P E C T {do you even know what it means?}

It seems to me that we are breeding a culture of self absorption, ‘Ill do what I want’, ‘Whats in it for me’ & ‘its all about me’ thinking.

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Honesty is a quality that seems to be lacking. In a society where we all live a little guarded, protecting ourselves and our hearts from hurt and disappointments, wouldn’t it be important to spend time practising this quality? Were all struggling to keep up with the demands that society places on us, scared to show our true colours for fear of judgement, hurt and disappointment. We answer ‘how are you’, with ‘ok’, because how can we let anyone through the walls weve built close enough to let them know were doing everything but being ‘ok’.

Honesty is always respected and appreciated. Honesty is not a sign of weakness, but rather the sign of being a good human.

‘Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom’. Thomas Jefferson.

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Previously {when I was employed} as a business development manager, and a skin care trainer, one of the best lessons I have learnt; if you don’t know something, be honest, find out the answer and get back to the client/student. People respect honesty and view dishonesty with disdain. People can see through lies. No matter how big or small they are.

Are you an honest person?

Being honest means you refrain from lying, cheating, stealing and acting hypocritically.

Personally, I have found that people will be dishonest when trying to protect themselves, rather than being honest and dealing with the circumstances. It can seem easier to tell a white lie in hope of protecting a person and their feelings, rather than perhaps breaking them apart with the truth, or putting ourselves on the chopping block & owning up to something not so great we might have done (which we allllll have, were only human).

In dating, why do we bother not calling back, creating distrust and hurt when we could easily say ‘Im just not  that into you’?

Truth hurts. It’s true. The truth can be more damaging than a lie, or omitting it, but the truth will always come to light. Your better to be the person telling it. Whether to a lover, family or friend, honesty isn’t easy. Especially when words of truth have the ability to hurt, but honesty is always valued & no matter what, it will make the situation better for both/all involved.honesty6

If something/someone upsets you, do you hold onto resentment, or do you let the other person know their actions have affected you (of course this happens in life, were all different people on our own journeys).

Be honest, talk about how those actions have made you feel, and then choose to get over it, or invest your time elsewhere. Everyone has a different set of morals and values that they live by, spend time with people who share your moral code (not saying some are good, some are bad, just everyone is different).

If you know something but you don’t tell someone, are you being dishonest or simply omitting the truth? Obviously I don’t promote to interfere with other people’s business, just to act your own way, with integrity and honestly.

 ‘Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around’. Leo Buscaglia

Many situations can be avoided when you act honestly.

I know now, if i make a mistake (whether in work or relationships) I’m quick to admit it and then FIX it. Be honest (trying to own up to my inner CRAZY when it comes to dating).

The truth is no one is perfect, but we are all here trying to live our lives happily with great love, family and friendship, to accomplish this, you must include honesty in your list of core qualities.

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 ‘If Im honest I have to tell you I still read fairy tales and I like them best of all.’ Audrey Hepburn

Be honest with yourself.

Who you are, what you like, what you dislike, stop trying to be somebody you’re not. When you start acting in a manner that is true to you, you’ll find the happiness you have been searching for, act from a place of integrity from your heart not your ego & live a life of passion.

 ‘There are those who are good with goodness, and also treat those who are not good with goodness. Thus goodness is attained. Be honest to those who are honest, and also be honest to those who are not honest. Thus honesty is attained. Lao Tzu

 

Love & light, Charlie x.

Treat other people how you want to be treated & remember what goes around comes around.

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” Bob Marley

 

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Players guna play.

So it seems that people/you like to read about my misfortunes with dating, my never ending search for Mr Right, & S.E.X.

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Today, im dedicating a post to those men weve ALL dated…the players.

I recently fell head over heals/crushed hard on a man I hadnt even met (obviously it was the idea of love not actually him). Why? Surely I’m smart enough to know better???

Because he was and is a player.

These men are so smooth you wonder if they are real. The simple answer is No. They are not. Yet we generally just stay caught up in their smooth words until it’s too late & we find ourselves wondering what the f^*k happened when Mr oh so right is suddenly Mr oh so wrong & already moved on to his next victim.

I must admit, I seem to have players only written on my forehead because I seem to be dating a lot of them. Or is it because they are increasing in numbers? (insert oh no!) Is it because these men were once the good guy whose had his heart stomped on, and just like us women, vows never to let that happen again? The answer I don’t know. What I do know is the dating game is hard. I dont want to play it. Yet I want to find someone ( nothing less than butterflies) to share my beautiful life with? What is a girl to do?

When being nice is mistaken for flirting, when ‘lets train’ apparently means ‘lets date’ and a ‘like’ on an old photo means ‘Im interested’, and ‘cuddles’ actually means ‘sex’, it’s no wonder many of us are confused. I cant recall the last time I was asked on a date (hmm, severe lack of a love life).

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Heres what I know to be true about these men, the players that you should avoid (their behaviour simply is NOT acceptable)

*They will tell you they are just breaking up with someone or that its complicated, or they just arent working out. Their social media sites will show you differently.

DO NOT BELIEVE them. They are simply having a difficult time with the girl they should be putting their energy into & instead using you to stroke their ego and as a back up plan.

*They will be SMOOTH. Good morning texts everyday, good night texts. 100 texts per day. Youll go from 0 to 100 in a split moment.

These texts will include things like ‘Ive never felt this connection’, ‘I knew you were someone special’, etc.

*Also…they will text you songs…generally RnB love songs such as…Pretty Ricky; Grind with me. (Every player I have accidentally dated/fallen for has used this move).

‘The way they get to play you, 
all the while claiming they 
love you and making you 
believe it’s 
true.’ Ellen Hopkins

Im not saying that you might not have a good guy who does these things, but remember actions will always speak louder than words.

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*When you are with him, his phone will be on silent, and/or upside down.

*The sex will be out of this world (unfortunately my recent player not so much). *Remember these men are well practised. And generally you will use this as an excuse to keep running back to him…that sexual connection (does not mean it can be replicated out of the bedroom).

*He will go missing for periods on end…after your 100 messages he needs a time out with his current squeeze or another hes lining up beside you.

 ‘If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you.’ Greg Behrendt

*He generally doesn’t have social media, Facebook or instagram…because it may cause too much trouble.

*When he calls you from no number…hmm why?

*After getting your attention, perhaps your body and love…he goes cold.

He has you.

Game over.

*Players are going to play.

Then youll be upset, distance yourself, perhaps go a little crazy (I sure have) and then when you show no interest he’ll reappear. Or when you’re happy (Im really not sure how these guys have this sense)

*They are hot and cold. You dont know where you stand. He might even tell you he’s confused, that he needs time. Umm excuse me…I wasnt the one chasing you, promising you the world, talking about being your wifey and having beautiful babies…YOU were. Im sorry I was silly enough to believe you.

As always just my simple thoughts about the dating world around me.

“Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?” Greg Behrendt

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Dont play games. I refuse to. And if you see any of these signs, or if he makes you feel like anything less than the beautiful creation you are…MOVE ON.

Men that play games are weak. Its that simple. They are not man enough to treat you with the respect that you deserve because their egos are fragile & needs boosting, more than they can think about genuinely be a good human. They wouldnt even know how.

Love & light, Charlie x.

Simply tired of being played.

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If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that’s not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t “be friends.” A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend. Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don’t stay because you think “it will get better.” You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within. Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are…even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else’s man. Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending…compromise is a two-way street. You need time to heal between relationships…there is nothing cute about baggage… deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you…a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals…look for someone complimentary…not supplementary. Dating is fun…even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr.. Right. Make him miss you sometimes…when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted. Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. Share this with other ladies….. You’ll make someone SMILE, another RETHINK her choices, and another woman PREPARE.

{Shared post} F*#k yes or F*#k no.

Original post by Mark Manson , so true I had to share with you, because I know weve all experienced that grey area, spending more time wondering what if, then actually dating.

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Think about this for a moment: Why would you ever choose to be with someone who is not excited to be with you?

There’s a grey area in dating many people get hung up on — a grey area where feelings are ambiguous or one person has stronger feelings than the other. This grey area causes real, tangible issues. As a man, a huge question is often whether to be persistent and continue pursuing a woman even when she seems lukewarm or hot/cold on your advances. For women, a common question is what to do with men who make their feelings ambiguous.

“She said she’s not interested, but she still flirts with me, so what do I need to do to get her?”
“Well, I know she likes me, but she didn’t call me back last weekend, what should I do?”
“He treats me well when he’s around, but he’s hardly around. What does that mean?”

Most dating advice exists to “solve” this grey area for people. Say this line. Text her this. Call him this many times. Wear that.

Much of it gets exceedingly analytical, to the point where some men and women actually spend more time analyzing behaviors than actually, you know, behaving.

Frustration with this grey area also drives many people to unnecessary manipulation, drama and game-playing. This is where you get rules about making men pay for this many dates before you can become intimate. Or how men need to transition from attraction phase to comfort phase by qualifying three times before they’re allowed to commence an escalation ladder.

These things may seem clever and exciting to some people who are stuck or frustrated. But this dating advice misses the point. If you’re in the grey area to begin with, you’ve already lost.

Let me ask again: Why would you ever be excited to be with someone who is not excited to be with you? If they’re not happy with you now, what makes you think they’ll be happy to be with you later? Why do you make an effort to convince someone to date you when they make no effort to convince you?

What does that say about you? That you believe you need to convince people to be with you?

You wouldn’t buy a dog that bites you all the time. And you wouldn’t be friends with someone who regularly ditches you. You wouldn’t work a job that doesn’t pay you. Then why the hell are you trying to make a girlfriend out of a woman who doesn’t want to date you? Where’s your self-respect?

The entrepreneur Derek Sivers once wrote a blog post where he said that “If I’m not saying ‘Hell Yeah!’ to something, then I say no.” It served him well in the business world and now I’d like to apply it to the dating world. And because I’m more of a vulgar asshole than Derek is, I’ll christen mine The Law of “Fuck Yes or No.”

The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, they must inspire you to say “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” also states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, THEY must respond with a “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.

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As you can see, The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” implies that both parties must be enthusiastic about the prospect of one another’s company. Why? Because attractive, non-needy, high self-worth people don’t have time for people who they are not excited to be with and who are not excited to be with them.

This may sound a bit idealistic to some. But The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” has many tangible benefits on your dating life:

  1. No longer be strung along by people who aren’t that into you. End all of the headaches. End the wishing and hoping. End the disappoint and anger that inevitably follows. Start practicing self-respect. Become the rejector, not the rejected.
  2. No longer pursue people you are so-so on for ego purposes. We’ve all been there. We were so-so about somebody, but we went along with it because nothing better was around. And we all have a few we’d like to take back. No more.
  3. Consent issues are instantly resolved. If someone is playing games with you, playing hard to get, or pressuring you into doing something you’re unsure about, your answer is now easy. Or as I often like to say in regards to dating, “If you have to ask, then that’s your answer.”
  4. Establish strong personal boundaries and enforcing them. Maintaining strong boundaries not only makes one more confident and attractive, but also helps to preserve one’s sanity in the long-run.
  5. Always know where you stand with the other person. Since you’re now freeing up so much time and energy from people you’re not that into, and people who are not that into you, you now find yourself perpetually in interactions where people’s intentions are clear and enthusiastic. Sweet!

The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” is applicable to dating, sex, relationships, even friendships. You may have absolutely nothing in common with that bartender. But they’re hot and are interested in getting down. Is it a “Fuck Yes!” for sex? It is? Then game on.

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Wrapped up in that sweet guy who treats you so well, except goes weeks without calling you and suddenly disappears after a couple drinks and a round of the horizontal polka? Been wondering if he really likes you? Do his excuses of being so busy all the time seem legit? It doesn’t sound like the answer is a “Fuck yes.” Then it’s time to move on.

Making out with a girl at your house and every time you go to take her shirt off she swats your hands away? That is not a “Fuck Yes,” my friend, therefore, it’s a no and you shouldn’t pressure her. The best sex is “Fuck Yes” sex — i.e., both people are shouting “Fuck Yes” as they hop between the sheets together. If she’s not hopping, then there’s no fucking.

(Hint Fellas: This is a great time to ask the girl why she’s not comfortable, and what she’s looking for from you. That, by itself — you know, treating her like a human and empathizing with her — often solves this “problem.”)

Want to date that woman you met last weekend but she keeps ignoring your texts and calls? Not sure what to say or do, especially since she seemed so happy to go out with you when you initially met her? Well, my friend, this is obviously not a “Fuck Yes.” Therefore, it is a “No.” Delete her number and move on.

Fuck Yes or No applies to relationships as well. My girlfriend works with a guy who got married because “it seemed like the right thing to do.” Four years later, he was cheating on his wife every chance he got. The marriage was not a Fuck Yes for him, therefore it should have been a No.

Sometimes The Law of Fuck Yes or No will apply differently on different levels. You may be a “Fuck Yes” for friendship with someone, but mildly excited to have sex with them. Therefore, it’s a no. You may be a “Fuck Yes” on banging someone’s brains out, but a definite “No” on actually spending any time with them. Apply the law to your decision-making as it suits your current needs.

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But the real beauty of The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” is that it simplifies the problems you can have in your dating life. When applying the Law of “Fuck Yes or No,” there are really only two problems one can have.

The first problem is people who never feel a “Fuck Yes” for anybody they meet. If you are lukewarm on absolutely everyone you meet, then either your demographics are way off, or you suffer from a lack of vulnerability and are protecting yourself by remaining indifferent and unenthused by all of those around you.

 

Remember, it’s your job to look for something cool in everyone you meet; it’s not their job to show you. This is life, not a fucking sales convention. Learning to appreciate people you meet is a skill you cultivate. So get on it. This doesn’t mean you have to fall in love with everyone who breathes in your direction. It just means you need to take responsibility for your ability to connect with the people you are meeting.

The second problem is people who never meet others who feel a “Fuck Yes” for them. If all of the people you pursue give you a mild responses, or outright rejections, then it’s time to focus on improving yourself. Ask yourself, what is it about yourself that would inspire others to say “Fuck Yes” about you? If the answer is not obvious, then you get to work. Build yourself into a person others would say “Fuck Yes” to.

And this is the ultimate dating advice lesson — man, woman, gay, straight, trans, furry, whatever — the only real dating advice is self improvement. Everything else is a distraction, a futile battle in the grey area, a prolonged ego trip. Because, yes, with the right tools and performance, you may be able to con somebody into sleeping with you, dating you, even marrying you. But you will have won the battle by sacrificing the war, the war of long-term happiness.

Repost from Mark Manson

Wait for the boy who will do anything to be your everything.

Love & light, Charlie x.


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The Dating Game {for her}

I recently wrote an article about the complexity of the game that is called dating.

The response I received proved I was not the only player playing without a rule book.

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The Dating Game; For her…

{*Please note these are only my thoughts, not rules, and I am definitely not a professional dater}

Stop waiting for someone to ‘fix’ your life.

Is your life broken, perhaps not quite as you want it to be? We all go through the highs and lows that are called life, but its important that you look within yourself to ‘fix’ whatever it is you feel isnt quite right. You are the only one who can truly create change in your life. Sure, other people, love, may help, but these are only a temporary distraction from what is really going on within you.

Imagine how good it will feel when you create change in your life and you have yourself to thank for creating it (I can tell you, it is one of the most overwhelming emotions EVER).

‘Eventually all the pieces fall into place…until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment, and know that everything happens for a reason’. Carrie Bradshaw.

 

 

Love Yourself FIRST.

If you do not truly love yourself, how can you expect someone else to? Love your imperfections, these are your unique gifts. Love your attributes. Love the way you act, the way you speak…learn to love yourself. This is not coming from an egotistical point, but just be ok with who you are. Imagine looking in the mirror and instead of saying ‘I wish I was taller’, ‘gosh your fat’, ‘why cant I look like …{insert favourite models name here}; Imagine if you could start your day with positive self image thoughts; ‘looking good’, ‘Im feeling healthy today’, ‘I really love my hair/skin/eyes’ etc.

This is the best knowledge you will ever attain. You don’t need a certificate of attainment, for this will be written on your heart every day in the way you treat everything around you.

When you truly love yourself for everything that you are and everything that you are not you will give yourself that sense of security you may have always been looking for (I was, in all the wrong places). Good date, bad date, it wont matter because you will always have yourself.

Stop comparing yourself. You are precious; like a diamond.

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”  – Buddha

Ask for what you deserve.

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The game is tricky and many people are serial daters (dating 1, 2, 3 or more people at the same time). When you start to know someone, if you enjoy their company and things are going well, don’t be afraid to ask for respect (basically exclusivity with no pressure). Do you respect your time? So should he. The heart is a sensitive muscle and it can easily be damaged. Respect is a minimum requirement when emotions get involved. And if he can’t/wont….he doesn’t deserve your time. Its ok to create your own standards for what you think is acceptable treatment/behaviour.

Show him how to treat you.

Do you value yourself, your life, your time? Life gets busy and it seems, well for me anyway, my whole life not just work is on a schedule (yes I am hoping to relax this). Men tend to be more blaze then women about plans (we all know this as fact), show him or tell him that it isn’t ok to attempt to organise dinners/sleepovers….that day (A woman has to be prepared!). I’m not advising that you start playing games, just remember, women plan, men, well, they don’t.

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This also shows that you respect yourself and your commitments. Note to all the ladies out there; DO NOT CANCEL on pre arranged plans (with friends! We are all so guilty of this) because he calls last minute. It is not ok and your friends, you know those people who have been in your life for longer, will be upset.

‘A  loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.’ Thomas Carlyle

Do not excuse bad behaviour.

Lies. Cheating. Abuse (physical or mental). Sabotage.

Is not ok.

Date the nice guy (and if you find one of these, let me know 😉 Nice, driven, motivated, kind, & replicates scenes from romcoms…up, its no wonder Im single).

Stop settling/better than nothing.

Don’t be the girl who NEEDs to be in a relationship. Have you ever asked yourself why? Why do you NEED to have someone in your life regardless of if you love them or not? Be happy on your own.

Don’t settle for less than you deserve, but also remember that no one is perfect. so, you don’t like his shoes or perhaps the way he does his hair…these are such minute details, do they even matter?

 

Get rid of your ‘list’. I once had a friend who had read a dating book which advised to write a list of attributes her perfect guy would have, then to keep it folded under her pillow and that then he would enter her life. Did it happen, no. Was every guy she ever met then on not good enough? Yes. Her list of attributes; generally; tall, dark, sexy smile, great body etc…only gave her high expectations that no normal guy could met.

“You cannot be lonely if you like the person you`re alone with.” Wayne Dyer

RELAX your ‘plan’.

The plan you dreamed of when you were a small girl (many dream of being married with children by a certain age) only puts pressure on yourself and the (poor) man you are dating. I personally had definitely thought I would be married by 30. Relax the plan, take it as it happens. Make it easy. Let it flow.

Have faith and trust that everything does happen for a reason. Perhaps you aren’t ready yet, perhaps you have some areas within yourself that need that love your willing to give away.

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“Whatever you are doing, love yourself for doing it. Whatever you are feeling, love yourself for feeling it.”  Thaddeus Golas

When it happens, it will be worth it, and it will be so much better because you will be complimenting each others lives rather than living in need.

Love & Light, Charlie x.

‘Where there is love there is life’ Ghandi

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High Expectations or Close minded.

After a few disaster first dates (in succession), I have had to stop and take a moment to evaluate what was happening.

I made a vision board at the beginning of this year, in love it stated ‘to live with an open heart’.

I believed I was/am finally ready to find love, to feel love (you may recall my history, the cheating, abusive, lying ex, the fake engagement ring, the other girlfriends, and in turn my own insecurities emphasised).

‘The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.’ Thich Nhat Hanh

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However, as the dates fail, Im left to question… is it me? As I have cultivated self love, and am chasing my dreams, I know I am very driven. I believe hard work and persistence will eventuate to success. Is this too much for some males? I have come to the conclusion that it just might be (please note these are only my thoughts, about my experiences), especially if the male doesnt yet have their own dream job, or life in control. Is it threatening for a female to be more successful than the male they date?

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{#funny as my range Clean Treats aka #charliesballs are extremely popular this may be impossible literally}

Or is it just that my expectations of ‘just knowing’ are to high? I must admit I am a hopeless romantic (and I express this through all my social media channels repeatedly), the very thought of ‘just knowing’ makes my heart smile. So after 1 date with no fluttering of butterflies I chose to not pursue it and instead become ‘busy’.

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day…” – Ryan Gosling, The Notebook

It was brought to my attention that this could be very close minded thinking. A friend (who I would say is a serial dater, 3 or more per week) made a comment that to her it was the second date that was the most interesting, it was when you could talk about things deeper than the ‘who are you’, ‘what do you do’ level and find out if you actually had a connection (I wouldnt know as Im a 1 date wonder).

However, I value my time (if any of you have created a business you will understand the time it takes), in fact the honest truth is I would prefer to be labeling, designing, anything empire building elated then enduring these bad dates. If after 1 date I dont feel the ‘magic’ I dont feel it beneficial to invest more of my time. Believe it or not, but with the ex, I knew…from the moment I met him I would love him (perhaps this alone is a sign saying I shouldnt be looking for the same feeling).

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‘I knew the second I met you that there was something about you I needed. Turns out it wasnt something about you at all. It was just you.’ Beautiful Disaster, Jamie McGuire

Open heart…seems I am only able to give love without letting anyone get to close to me. Sadly, this is true. Ive spent so long re-building my life to where it is today (I experience complete happiness, contentment and bliss everyday) that I am living in fear of someone coming and taking it all away from me.

Seems to me I am still living in fear of heart break. Like what was done before, the tear apart your life heart breaking hurt, the kind that left me lifeless.

‘when you love someone / you are scared of getting hurt / and you will get hurt’ Brandon Scott Gorrell

As I read self help, self love and psychology books they all advise…never to settle. So as we get older, love ourselves more and become scure in our chosen careers, our list for a suitable companion also grows…becoming nearly impossible for anyone to succeed.

High expectations…is it too much to ask for flowers?

‘And in her smile I see something more beautiful than the stars’. Across the Universe, Beth Revis

Let me tell you, that the last 3 first dates I have been on, they each expected (and asked for) an invite upstairs to my apartment. This alone guarantees you no callback. Seriously? First date = action? I must have missed this rule whilst I’ve been to busy chasing my dreams. The worst, is that each of these guys are/were friends with me on facebook and I am quite sure that I make it known Im not that type of girl.

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A males expectations…horizontal cardio. My expectations…soul warming chat, perhaps a flower or 2, NO PRESSURE.

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No wonder were (Im) living in a world of confusion.

Love & light, Charlie x.

Or am I just in love with the idea of true love?

(thanks Disney)

‘He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.’
Bob Marley

#oneday.

Dating; a state of confusion

I spent some time with some single male friends over the weekend, (as my business is growing I am finding it difficult to balance my work/social calendar)  needless to say it was interesting to spend 2 hrs listening to their funny dating antics.

 

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What I did learn is that we are all dating in a state of confusion.

Theres no rules, no guideline, in fact there’s reading between the lines, miscommunication via technical platforms, no emotions expressed and what I believe to be true, we are all looking for that great love yet hiding behind our own fortresses, strong enough to keep anyone out.

“Single by choice, just not my choice’ The best Exotic Marigold Hotel.

Sometimes I feel I am the only one experiencing this trouble, lonely in my search to find ‘Mr Right’, not ‘Mr Right now’, in the words of Charlotte York SATC, ‘Ive been dating since I was 15, Im exhausted, where is he?’

I know that I live in my own dream world, I choose to be an optimist, living in a state of love, preferring a state of ignorant bliss than taking on the weight of the worlds problems. We once lived in a world where males were hunters, woman, the gatherer (My Opa courted my Oma only twice per week for a year before he was permitted Sunday afternoon visits; now, happily married 60 years).

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Now, this is not being sexist or idealistic in any way and I’m all for womans rights (as an independent woman trying to build my own empire), but it was the mans choice to chase a woman. In fact its natural chemistry to do so. Yet, now as woman are entitled and privileged to do as they please, to take the lead, we are confused about our roles. Who calls first? Does the 3 day rule still exist? If they don’t text back within a certain this means not interested? Even being nice is now mistaken as flirting…the lines are so blurry (or maybe I just need to have my eyesight checked) it makes it difficult to know whose doing what, saying what and where you stand.

I believe:

Men, if you are interested, make an effort, women love to be romanced.

Women, stop giving it up so easily, be a woman worth making an effort for.

(But I am no pro dater, far from it)

“Men respect standards- get some!” Steve Harvey

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In fact, a recent conversation with a male friend left me bewildered, he mentioned that after a date that seemingly went well, he asked for a repeat….with no reply (via text), ouch. To me, this is just rude, sure dating is a tough game to play, but surely there has got to be a level of respect for other people?

‘Real magic in relationships means an absence of judgement of others.’ Wayne Dyer

Ive had my own ‘advice’ from a recent date who then told me he wanted to be friends (read between the lines… FWB) and advised me that I needed to invest in time as friends. I’m sorry, but I’m quite sure I have enough friends in my life (in fact I find it difficult to see them as much as Id like with business building pressure), and I am now looking for my great, true love, my soul mate, butterflies.. the real deal (no pressure I know), but I didn’t want another ‘friend’ especially not a FWB, nor did I want a label such as dating, girlfriend etc, purely  just some interest.  Was this a miscommunication? The only fact I do know…is that I don’t know.

“Now, revealing that you’re a keeper is no guarantee that this guy won’t just walk away. Some men really are just sport fishing and have no intention of doing anything more than throwing back the women they bed. If this is the case with this man, then let him walk-what do you care? He’s not the guy you’re looking for.”  Steve Harvey

How hard is it to just be real and honest? It seems were all damaged goods and we try to protect ourselves from rejection, hurt and pain, we find it increasingly difficult to do so. Yet we treat each other appallingly. Would it be so hard to say, sorry not interested? Truth hurts but isn’t being a good human better for your karma and theirs?

‘A good person can make another person good; it means that goodness will elicit goodness in the society; other persons will also be good.’ Bhumibol Aduladei

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Not everyone you date will make your heart beat faster, your pulse quicken and excite your soul, so why can’t we just be honest with each other. Every bad date is closer to the right one right?

Some simple thoughts about dating in my world.

Love & light, Charlie x.

Girls wait for the perfect guy…Disneys fault. Guys wait for the perfect girl…Playboys fault.

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