I’m feeling a little vulnerable as I write this blog, but I just felt I had to share this experience.
“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” Helen Keller
To some, my life would appear to be a dream; I’ve created a product that people genuinely seem to like & want to be a part of, I’m fit, I have a beautiful family, I was a model (not anymore), I have a support network that includes some of the most well known fitness, health and inspirational figures, and Im living my life my way.
It’s all to easy to look at someones life from the outside, from their social media ‘highlight’ reel and make judgement, or create an opinion about that person. Staying true to myself and the purpose of my blog…this highlight reel is often not all it’s cracked up to be, even mine.
‘If you don’t think your anxiety, depression, sadness and stress impact your physical health, think again. All of these emotions trigger chemical reactions in your body, which can lead to inflammation and a weakened immune system. Learn how to cope, sweet friend. There will always be dark days.’ Kris Carr
Sure all of the above are true, but what about viewing my life from the inside out? My heart still hurts for a love that wasnt reciprocated (insecurity), I am creating a business on my own (instability), I surround myself with people who are inspirational figures (pressure), my family isn’t as close as I would want them to be, and I very rarely let anyone ; friends or lovers close to my heart as I’m petrified of being hurt (loneliness), which in turn makes me a #1datewonder.
Now these are 2 very outlooks on my life, 1 is positive, 1 is not so. Yet they are both very much my reality.
I have written and spoken about my depression.
What you may not know, is I was meant to be and still am supposed to be tested for Border Line Personality disorder (basically this means it’s either white or black, good or bad, there is no balance).
As my business continues to become a reality (who would have thought my empire would be built on #balls), so to does the financial stress, the responsibilities and the very real fear of failure. As I began to experience the well-known traits of depression and self sabotage (for me this over eating thing is out of control at the moment) became apparent, I knew I had to speak to someone.
Sometimes that’s all we need… someone to really listen to us.
Anxious, excited and knowing I was doing the right thing, off I went to my Dr for a full blood test and Psychologist referral (I don’t have one in Sydney).
‘What you believe is very powerful. If you have toxic emotions of fear, guilt and depression, it is because you have wrong thinking, and you have wrong thinking because of wrong believing.’ Joseph Prince
What surprised me as I was tearfully telling my story (if you need to cry, just cry), was the recommendation for antidepressants, not once but at least 4 times the conversation was redirected to ‘pills’ for my hormonal imbalance. He advised that I am depressed (which I am quite sure that I’m not, simply looking for some advice, someone to speak to, to express myself to).
I STRONGLY DO NOT ADVOCATE ANTI DEPRESSANTS.
Was he even listening to me??? I was in disbelief, after all that I was telling him; my clean eating lifestyle, my health coaching, seminars…he still tried to (I felt) ‘push’ medication onto me.
Now, I understand they do work for some people and considering there seems to be a natural imbalance in my brain they should work for me. However, my last incidence with these drugs at 100mg had me sitting on the edge of my balcony at 4am in the morning thinking my life was not worth living. Do I want to take them again, or try find the right one…Ummm…..NO?
I felt I had to write this as it really was a revealing experience, I mean Ive experienced this before, when I happily and eagerly took the antidepressants and the valium which I then created a dependence on. What about any person without so much knowledge, what hope do they have when their medical ‘professional’ advises these drugs???
The world we live in.
Exercise and food are the most under utilised drug. This is true.
‘Good humour is a tonic for mind nad body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment,’ Grenville Kleiser
All I was simply requesting was a referral to see a psychologist (i truly promote them as a personal trainer for your mind), someone I could talk to that isn’t in my world, about my pressures, frustrations and feelings without judgement. Yet I nearly walked out of there drugged up.
If anything I only feel more inspired to create change, to educate about the way we live (yes, I got my referral). Im not using this post to ask for sympathy or pity, simply as an expression of my thoughts.
“Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them — every day begin the task anew.”Saint Francis de Sales
The truth is, the world aint all sunshine and rainbows…but its how you choose to act when you don’t feel so good that will define you.
Love & light, Charlie x.
*Note…It is ok to not be ‘amazing’ all the time, in fact it’s perfectly normal. And I can tell you this…everything will be ok, it always will be ok.