The chemistry of Love.

As Im living my life, a particular discussion keeps reoccuring, regardless of age or status, is how do you know if he’s Mr Right (or she)?

‘Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.’ Robert Frost

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Do we live in an era that butterflies can still be felt, or are we keeping our hearts so protected that the oppourtunity of love at first sight barely exists?

We seem to be waiting for ‘the one’, but how do you know when that person is ‘the one’, are you supposed to know when you first meet them, or is it something you have to discover over time?

We are led astray by the romantic movies, giving us high hopes of what true love should be like, when in reality if you ask anyone who lives in love, a successful relationship, it takes hard work, commitment and persistance.

The spark; fireworks, butterflies, do they exist or are they a myth?

“If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you’ve made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand.” -Anonymous

I can say I am lucky enough to have experienced this before, the butterflies of nervous excitement when seeing a special someone, the tingle on your skin from a gentle touch, even the way that their eyes can look into your soul.

The ‘spark’ is chemistry. Chemistry between two people that is created when they share a special connection.

‘At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet.’ Plato

 

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When we have chemistry with someone it can be on a physical, sexual, or mental level, an automatic sense of feeling welcomed and free in this persons company. No chemistry can mean you find it difficult to relate to a person, or have little in common with them.

The love ‘butterflies’, ‘fireworks’ and ‘spark’ have physical symptoms; your blood pressure will rise, cheeks will blush, you may become flustered as adrenalin is increased, you experience pleasure and excitement.

One of the interesting (& my favourite) facts; falling in love can cause a release of phenylethylamine or PEA (also found in chocolate)

Pea is a stimulant much like amphetamine that releases feel good hormones; Dopamine and Norepinephrine (this can explain why sometimes if your love life is a little low in the activity scales, you may crave chocolate). Dopamine then stimulates the release of Oxytocin, also known as the ‘cuddle’ hormone (provides a sense of comfort and wellbeing).

Do we set ourselves up for failure or loneliness because we expect and want the spark? Is it ok to settle?

‘Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies’. Carrie Bradshaw

 

1459674_10152094055518619_998336447_nWe use ‘there was no spark’, ‘the sparks gone’ as reasons why we end relationships, when really its most likely due to another factor, did you get bored or did you just give up trying? In the world we live in we are told never to settle, to expect the very best, this is the message that is drilled into us by our parents from a young age or from the media as we grow older; that we can be anything we dream of being. Has this had an effect of our inability to choose an appropriate lover? Are we too busy waiting for more?

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Can you have a successful relationship without the spark? There really is no right or wrong answer. Many successful marriages are arranged, many unsuccessful marriages had spark and nothing else in common (this describes my past relationship).

‘Falling in love and having a relationship are two different things.’ Keanu Reeves

As always, these are just my thoughts about life and in particular love that seems to be a hugely misunderstood concept these days.

My personal advice, get rid of your lists ladies, focus on living your own life to the very best you can and just let whatever be. Men, try to act with integrity, all women really want is love, a sense of protection and honesty.

“But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.” Carrie Bradshaw

Sending you all some love & light, Charlie x.

and a little giggle…

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Givers & Takers…

In our lifetime we meet many different types of people; some good, some bad, lovers, haters, givers and takers.

“It’s not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.” Mother Theresa

Are you a giver or a taker?

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Do you consistently give to people with no regard to getting back, just giving to share knowledge, assistance? Perhaps giving comes naturally to you. Do you put others peoples needs & wants before your own? Are you willing and eager to freely give?

Are you a taker? Naturally people give to you and you take consistently  with or without realising? The scales of reciprocity tilt in your favour. You naturally put your own needs and interests before those of others.

‘For it is in giving that we receive’ St. Francis of Assisi


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As a curious soul I find it intriguing to observe not only my relationships, but those around me.

A simple observation I have found is that those who wear their heart on their selves who give 100% selflessly (in psychology studies, referred to as a ‘nice’ person) do tend to get a little hurt. Whilst takers who were perhaps once givers but got burnt in the process tend to have their heart retracted in a safety zone, taking more from those around them.

“The belief that unhappiness is selfless and happiness is selfish is misguided. It’s more selfless to act happy. It takes energy, generosity, and discipline to be unfailingly lighthearted, yet everyone takes the happy person for granted. No one is careful of his feelings or tries to keep his spirits high. He seems self-sufficient; he becomes a cushion for others. And because happiness seems unforced, that person usually gets no credit.”  Gretchen Rubin, the Happiness Project

Do you see society as a cut throat competition (taker behaviour)? Do you resist giving or helping others in dread of their success over riding yours? Takers generally feel that they need to value their own self worth by being better than others. This includes self promotion and claiming credit for every effort. Givers generally give in order to ‘be liked’ and approved of by others.

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I do believe that there is enough love, success and happiness for everyone in the world. Whatever it is you want, be more of that. If you want love, be loving & give love. If you want kindness, be kind & practise acts of kindness. If you want respect, be respectful & act with a manner of integrity that deserves respect.

You see, whatever it is that you want, be more of that and GIVE more. The more that you give the more you will receive, this is the natural cycle of karma and the universe.

Today instead if taking what you think is rightfully yours, drop your expectations and just give more.

‘You give but little when you give your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give’. Kahlil Gibran

 

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One of my business mottos (and yes sometimes it gets hard, I do have to constantly remind myself); you will get everything you want if you help enough others get what they want. (Zig Ziglar)

Wear your heart on your sleeve…be open to whatever comes next.

‘A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal’. Steve Maraboli

Love & light, Charlie x.

Dedicating thankful thursday to giving a little more love to everyone around me.

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Your Relationship; toxic?

Toxic; something that deflects life, energy and is no good for you.

I was recently asked by a friend for some advice about how to distance herself, break and get over a bad relationship. A relationship she felt she had lost herself to, and was now causing her Emotional trauma.

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When asked by this person, someone I thought had a strong sense of self, a strong sense of being, I began to contemplate; how does this happen, to the best and worst of us all? We get stuck in relationships that are detrimental to our health in the name of love?

Surely this is the opposite of love? And how do we allow ourselves to become lost? What an interesting contemplation.

‘Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: theyre trying to find someone whos going ti make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.’ Anthony Robbins


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But it does happen. It happened to me. I was always chasing the thought of being married to the love of my Life (by 30, just to add extra pressure), chasing the thought that love from another would complete me. In fact, in this love I refer to, I did the opposite I lost myself, completely. All for the hope of one today becoming his wife and the sense of security I thought being that would mean; always having someone there.

Relationships based on obligation lack dignity. Wayne Dyer

Now, when I reflect it wasn’t him at all, it was the sense of security I thought being in a relationship portrayed; of having someone always there, a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on and of course someone to always love. It can be confronting to think about your relationship in such a manner, bringing up negative thoughts and emotions, but if you are feeling a sense of being unworthy, of feeling lost, contemplating if this is right…I suggest you take a moment and ask yourself the difficult questions (for in your heart you already know the answer).

If you are afraid to be yourself; the relationship isn’t good for you.

If you feel you aren’t good enough; the relationship isn’t the best one for you.

If you feel you are always wrong; the relationship probably isn’t right for you.

 

Dont you want to be in a relationship you can be your true self? encouraged to grow and develop into the amazing person you want to be? In a relationship that is supporting and nourishing, where you treat each other with a minimum level of respect?

Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions.’ Will Smith

Now, I can honestly tell you, there is always someone there; yourself, your sense of trust, faith and belief that you can deal with anything this beautiful life offers (you just have to take some time to develop it, like watering seeds ina  garden, self love will grow).

So, from falling in love to being trapped in something we don’t know how to break away from, something were not to sure about that we once were positive this was the best love ever, where does the love go? Our sense of self?

‘Falling in love and having a relationship are two different things.’ Keanu Reeves

Some people choose to be in relationships that they know in their hearts aren’t good, scared of being alone.

A thought…why are you scared of being alone? You always have yourself; are you a person you would want to spend time with? (If yes, excellent, I suggest you start spending some quality time with that gorgeous person, if no; what ways can you grow and develop for yourself?)

Often, when in these relationships we become addicted to the drama, the highs of love and the lows of hate.

‘What fascinates me about addiction and obsessive behavior is that people would choose an altered state of consciousness that’s toxic and ostensibly destroys most aspects of your normal life, because for a brief moment you feel okay.’ Moby

We become people we don’t even recognize in the mirror, acting in ways different to that of our true selves, of our morals and beliefs.

My advice for those that feel they are in one of these difficult relationships, is simply ask yourself is this what I really want? Is this how I should be treated? Is this the right way to treat someone else?

Take some time to fall in love with yourself. The saying, first you must love yourself before you can love someone else is true. If you don’t love yourself, your life, you look to the other person to ‘fix’ those areas. Automatically putting pressure on someone who has no idea of those unseen expectations, and is surely destined to fail.

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Contemplate; if the relationship is causing you drama, emotional trauma and you are no longer being true to yourself, is this the definition of a good relationship? Is this the type of relationship you would be happy for any of your loved ones; family and friends to be in?

We seek advice from others, family, friends, even counsellors (I have seen many and I truly believe they are like a personal trainer for your mind), yet all the answers you need are within you.

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Break the addiction. That’s all it really is. Learn to have some self-respect, you are worthy of so much more, but be sure you have more to give. You will be ok on your own, it may take time, practice patience with yourself; good things take time.

Love & light, Charlie x.

Dedicated to a friend I wish I could offer more than my words & love to.

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Just hold on we’re going home…

I am completely head over heals in love with this song at the moment. I love the words, the beat and of course the sweet sound of drakes voice and what the words represent.

‘I live in my own little world, but thats ok, they know me here’. Lauren Myracle

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What is home to you? Where do you feel ‘at home’?
We use this term to describe a place we feel completely at ease, a place we feel free to just be.

There aren’t to many places you will find that feel like home; a sense of familiarity, a sense of belonging, a sense of complete peace.

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We often to look to other people to create this sense of home, sometimes we can find this feeling of contentment within another’s arms and love, but what happens when that isn’t or is no longer available?
When things go astray, go wrong or just the beauty that is life happens, we reach out to others in our world to offer condolences, support and guidance.
What if anytime you reached a crossroad or a mountain, you could simply return to a place of love within you? Your home. Your sense of being. Your essence.

Be your own place of love.

Feel compassion and a sense of self by learning ways to self soothe and return to your inner stillness and you will always be able to feel at one with yourself, contentment and fully ‘home’.

‘You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you’ll discover will be wonderful. What you’ll discover will be yourself.’ Alan Alda

Sometimes when I feel a little lost, a little unsure, I ask myself ‘what do I need to make this better?’ To solve the issue? ‘What do I need to do in this moment?’

When things would go wrong for me I would automatically long for my mothers bed, for when I was little this was my safe place, if I was sick, she was there, if I was suffering heart-break, she was there, if I felt I’d ruined my life (yes I used to see every small ant hole as a mountain of ruin), she was there.

But now, it’s not so easy to just return to her. I have to find my own place of security to return to.
For me; to generate this ‘home’ feeling of love, belonging and peace, I have created ways to self soothe; I return to my yoga mat, write my thoughts to clear my mind, run (exercise releases the happy hormones, endorphins & dopamine to make you feel good), or I simply get my ‘quiet’ on…no phone, no electrics, no LED lights to interfere with my melatonin, snuggle into bed with a good positive book or hopelessly romantic movie.

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When things go not quite right, it’s an automatic protection response for our minds to think with negative thoughts. When I find myself in a position of reevaluation, I have found that this is the best time to read inspirational material, the best time to plant seeds of positivity (it doesn’t matter if I’m distraught with salty tears washing over my skin); practise healthy habits.

‘The greatest explorer on this earth never takes voyages as long as those of the man who descends to the depth of his heart.’ Julien Green

Home; it is within you. It is very the essence of being.

Love & light, Charlie x.

‘Cause your a good girl and you know it.’

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