Yesterday I had one of those days, I had felt it coming for a little while, my old enemy depression knocking at my door, waiting for its opportunity to come in and make himself at home (oddly I refer to it as him).
And he did. It only took a few little things to escalate to a big thing. I started the over-thinking, over-awful sing, the ‘oh my Goodness it’s over’ thinking. The negative downward spiral that fast sends us out of control. Now I’m not perfect and I have never claimed to be. I am just like you, trying to make each day better, to live healthier and happier, hence why I have decided that becoming a Health coach is my calling, inspiring people is my passion, because I need the love & inspiration to surround me. I have studied and learnt about the body, the hormones and the way food affects us, especially in a depressed state (think how often you do something that is self harming when feeling down? the alcohol, the binge, the acting out towards a loved one, only to feel worse, these are all created from sense of fear and are acts of self sabotage). So I have created healthy happy rituals that are my ladder out of that black hole known as depression, or my light when the darkness takes over (the world is see through ebony tinted glades that once were rose but now everything that was once beautiful seems to have a black (ebony) tint, also know as the fog).
‘This is what I am. I have periods of enormous self-destructive depression, where I go completely off my trolley and lose all sight of reality and reason.’ Siobhan Fahey
Life is not always going to be sunshine & roses (thank you for that fact rocky), but it truly is about how you deal with whatever it is that is thrown to you. Yesterday I jut let myself wallow for a moment (it lasted approx half an hr) I went to bed in the middle of the day I ate chocolate (organic though) and I cried. All The while my mind was in a battle, the positive vs the old negative beliefs were at war (you created this problem, you should have known better, the universe will look after you, it’s your own fault, I trust you, you can find a way, you don’t deserve happiness, it was good for a moment, you have to do the work, you can do it, just get up!). My heart and body just simply needed a time out.
‘I’ve had some dark nights of the soul, of course, but giving in to depression would be a sellout, a defeat.’ Christopher Hitchens
So whilst I have suffered depression for many years now, it’s nowhere near the crippling, stay in bed self sabotage, self loathing, last for days on end as it was before. Because now I know I deserve good in my life. I have cultivated self love and self-dependence that even when the darkest storm comes in, the little light inside my heart will not be blown out, it will always burn, and it will always have my key mantra…’everything will always be ok, I love you on’ repeat for times like this when I need it. For you may not understand but every single positive thought, every happy action, every healthy habit you think and do is like water on this seed, everyday fertilising the light/flower within my heart and soul, and It’s miraculous, like a seed it grows and becomes stronger.
‘Enthusiasm is followed by disappointment and even depression, and then by renewed enthusiasm.’ Murray Gell-Mann
Now, this little light, my true essence of being is protected like my own secret garden, it’s fiercely guarded. No one or nothing will ever take or blow this out. This does not mean that I don’t feel depression, sadness, loneliness, confusion or the ‘this is too hard’ thoughts (especially trying to run your own business as a giver, when the cost of living is a taker). But I can appreciate the dark low feelings. I can go to bed for a minimum amount of time, allow myself to cry express my frustration, and the what will I do thoughts of exasperation, but rather than wallow I have now built up enough positive thoughts and affirmations these are on repeat in my mind. So like a friend that says those ebony tinted glasses don’t suit you at all, I take them off (because we do live in an image based world and I am a women who attempts to take pride in my appearance) and instead replace them with my rose tinted glasses. Because when there is a will there is always a way.
‘Exercise is the most powerful and underutilized antidepressant and its free.’
Create healthy habits that keep you afloat through the storm. Understand that it is ok to feel bad. It’s fine. Don’t focus on the thoughts, the problems. Instead feel them, acknowledge them then get to your positive actions, be a problem solver. Go for a run. Read an inspirational book. Everything will always be ok and there is always light within the darkness you just have to look within yourself and be ready to see it. Life is nt meant to be easy, but you choose your thoughts like the way you choose what your wear, will you put on the dark unflattering ebony tinted glasses or will you choose to be your best self and put on the flattering pretty rose-tinted glasses?
The choice, has and will always be yours.
Love & light, Charlie x.
Today Im wearing my favourite Rose (& gold) tinted glasses to see my world in sunshine, light & happiness.