Can women have sex like men? #nocommitment

Last night I was watching a tv show… (my trainer has asked me to stop over training at the moment to balance my hormones and Im left at night time with time) where the woman was stressed out and advised by her male business partners that she required a FWB… a friend with ‘benefits’.

It was recommended to her to find someone she is attracted to but had no respect for so they could enjoy a purely  physical relationship without the risk of getting attached.

Weve all watched Sex and the City, and if your like me…probably over and over. We know the story of Samantha who portrays a strong woman, knows what she wants, wont settle for anything less and is happy to be directed by her sexual fantasies with an ‘easy come, easy go’ in all senses of the words, attitude.

Can women have no commitment sex?

What I believe to be true…

Now, the pros are you both know it’s what it is, there’s no game playing, no sweetness, no fake promises. No sweet lies of romance (hopefully, if your FWB knows whats up), no leading on, no dating.

Its just a natural human  action you’ve both agreed to. And lets be real, we all want to feel the warm touch of someone sometimes.

This is type of relationship/agreement is fine if you are prepared to ignore emotions, because I promise you they will appear.

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As a woman is it possible to have sex without getting emotionally involved?

“Your naked body should only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul.” –Charlie Chaplin, in a letter to his daughter, Geraldine.

For some, you might say yes. For me… no. Every time Ive decided to have this kind of arrangement, feelings appear, about someone who is not even close to what Im looking for. All because of the hormones released after sex. And youre being intimate, shouldnt there be a level of like/love?

‘A key hormone released during sex is oxytocin, also known as the ‘cuddle hormone’. This lowers our defences and makes us trust people more, says Dr Arun Ghosh, a GP specialising in sexual health at the Spire Liverpool Hospital.

It’s also the key to bonding, as it increases levels of empathy. Women produce more of this hormone, although it’s not clear why, and this means they are more likely to let their guard down and fall in love with a man after sex.

However, the problem is that the body can’t distinguish whether the person we’re with is a casual fling or marriage material — oxytocin is released either way. So while it might help you bond with the love of your life, it’s also the reason you may feel so miserable when a short-term relationship ends.’ Excerpt The Daily Mail.

“Friends with benefits? More than friends? Don’t sample the goodies unless you’re willing to risk addiction and withdrawal.’ Ann Landers
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To often, women use sex to get love.  Some women have been known to sleep with men in order to make them like them more (in the hope of a relationship developing) if this is you, get real, what are you doing?

Relationships rarely ever develop after a one nighter, first night, it’s a fairytale, or after a FWB agreement.

Men like to hunt and women gather, remember to give him something to chase if you want to see him again.

Value yourself.

Ask yourself is it really worth it? Sure it might feel good to get some feigned attention, but for how long? How do you feel after the deed is done and your on youre way home? Does it feel good when he only contacts you to see if your available for late night horizontal cardio?

From what I know (personal experience and from friends), most FWB agreements have a maximum 3 months expiration before feelings are developed and you’re simply left wanting more. Which of course wont be given as you’re the one breaking the deal. From what Ive heard its always the female who is asking for more as her bond to this man develops.

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To share your body with another and expect that you will not be emotionally involved is really only lying to yourself. 

Women are emotion beings. We like to nurture, to develop, so don’t be surprised when those feelings occur and you start to contemplate dating you’re FWB. Only problem is, he’s already getting what he wants, you made a deal and he most likely doesnt see you as relationship material.

‘It’s not who you want to spend Friday night with, it’s who you want to spend all day Saturday with’

What happened to the days of dating? Of simply crushing on someone, asking someone out, enjoying some time, getting to know them before giving them all of us? Call me old fashioned but this is the demise of relationships and dating everywhere. Those 1 night stand, the casual hookups, FWB agreements, secret facebook messages, instagram page likes…where is the love? It really is no wonder most of us are in a state of confusion. Were living in a world were actions mean nothing, yet mean everything. Words have lost value & communication is started by hiting a ‘like’ button.

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And if youve found youre special someone…hold onto them, value them… dont lose a diamond while chasing glitter.

Love & light, Charlie x.

Pretty happy here, waiting (but not) for someone special, whilst working on building my dreams.

Have you had a FWB? Has it worked?

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Are you prepared to sacrifice for success?

How badly do you want it?
A question you have to ask yourself when you are chasing your dream.

A question I ask myself daily. Especially when it can all seem to much, I find its important to step back and think about why I am doing what I am doing (to create a healthy change in the world), sit with myself to connect with my heart, my passion and trust that what is right for me will be.

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What most people don’t understand is the sacrifices that are made by successful people to get to where they are today.

The hours of work.
The commitment.
The lack of social life.
The energy required to cultivate a constant ‘can do’ attitude.

Success does not just happen overnight. It requires work. Commitment. Focus. Out of the square thinking & ingenuity. An indomitable will to keep going. Passion. Purpose. Love.

Today, not the first of many, I’ll be working while the world around me is celebrating Melbourne Cup day.
Would I like to be in the sun sipping champagne, sure.

But I would like to be Director of a multimillion dollar business…more.

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You have to decide what you want and then make decisions that will get you there.
If you read my words, you’ll know I’m a big believer in motivational speakers, positive affirmations, filling your mind up with them so much that there’s no space left for negative thoughts, self doubt, or fear. (I was actually told the other day that im like a walking quote book/motivational cd…quite funny).

‘You want something, go get it.’

How prepared are you to make sacrifices so that you can invest your time in making your dream reality?

How prepared are you to commit to your dream? To always find a yes when life/people may say no?

How prepared are you to keep going when the going gets tough?

‘Dont be afraid to fail, you can’t always win, but don’t be afraid of making decisions

You have to believe that something different can happen, he who says he can, and he who says he can’t are both usually right.

Most of you say you want to be successful but you don’t want it bad, you just kinda want it, you don’t want it badder than you want to party, you dont want it as much as you wanna be cool, most of you don’t want success as much as you want to sleep.’

When you want to succeed as bad as you want to breathe, then you’ll be successful.

 

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You have to be prepared to make sacrifices. Believe it or not, but I used to take great pride in my sense of fashion; classic but designer. Sass and Bide was a personal favourite. Now, I cannot even remember the last time I brought designer items, choosing Nike (and only if I’m lucky) and investing in my business first. Doing what i can with what i have, organic growth, new packaging, new clients, new products…these make me just as happy as those Sass and Bide purchases (actually probably more). *When my dream is real I will be spending some hrs and hard earned $$$ in there Im sure, but for now Im prepared to go without.

‘To sacrifice what you are for what you will become. 

Talent you have naturally, skill is only developed with hrs and hrs of beating on your craft.

If you are not making someone elses life better tha youre wasting your time.’

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I no longer spend my weekends in a night club, bumping and grinding with people who are drinking away their problems (because isn’t that what nights of drinking that turn into 5am mornings are? Drinking to escape reality?) *Dont get me wrong, I love a nice wine, or my latest favourite Coconut tequila, but these happen once every blue moon. My days are to valuable to waste hung over, my body to precious to torture with the dehydration, and no doubt fast food that’s normally consumed.

Every decision you make is a step towards your future. Is it a decision for a better you? Or is it a step backwards?

‘Who do you want to be? What it’s going to be, who youre going to be, how youre going to do it. Just decide.’

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‘If you know what you’re worth, go out and get what your worth, but you got to be willing to take the hits and not point the finger and say you aint where you want to be because of him or her or anybody, cowards do that and that aint you. Youre better than that.

Because everyday is a new day, every moment is a new moment…Ima show you how great I am.’

So with that, and yes my writing is a way that I can share with you that yes I do struggle; some time in the sun, looking pretty, sipping champagne would definitely feel good. But I am committed to making my dream, my reality & honestly the thrill of my new project about to become real…absolutely nothing can beat.

Love & light, Charlie x.

 

The thief of all joy; Comparison

I am lucky enough to be reaping the rewards of my hard work in a few areas of my life.

I am finding that the popular quote ‘you can never beat a person who doesnt give up) is true.

I feel proud, excited and exuberant; everything I am working towards and for is coming true, my dreams were/are becoming my reality. Im so excited about some BIG things that I am visualising into my reality (opening events, scents, layout, design etc already planned), that theyre keeping me awake at night (then through the day I feel like I am day dreaming as I drive past ‘for lease’ signs). I feel this dream beating in my heart, running through my veins, already knowing it will become real.

Yet sometimes I find myself comparing my successes to what I think other people around me are achieving (thanks to the social media highlight reel).

‘Comparison is an act of violence against the self’. Iyanla Vanzant

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How is this possible? Everything I had ever wanted in my life is unfolding before my eyes (still waiting on my tall, dark handsome Mr right ;), every day I receive news of something new and exciting that is happening, I wake up in the morning excited for what the day will bring.

Yet I still seem to self sabotage myself. It is as though my inner self doesn’t want to allow my happiness. Oh hello old self-liniting belief.

Why do we compare ourselves to others when we should be living our own lives to the best of our capabilities? Why are we so quick to look from the outside in and judge; their life must be better?

I know I’m not the only one who suffers this terrible habit, we all do it… (even if you claim you don’t); for example, the cyber stalking of your new guys or girls ex…to compare yourself and judge that person. Just last night as I couldnt sleep I (naughtily ) indulged in some SM stalking, before I knew it, I was in such a deep vortex of IG I didnt even know where I was. Id checked out someone in america, before being redirected to Melbourne and so on.

” Enjoy your own life without comparing that of another’. Marquis de Condorcet

We need to keep that inner negative voice quiet and enjoy the successes we make. We are all on our own journeys and everything that is meant for you will come to you at the right time.

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‘What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you’. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Always keep an attitude of gratitude and stop the comparison. The intriguing thing about comparison is that generally you are comparing yourself to a version of a persons life  that they portray to the world (social media is brilliant at this, everyone’s life looks perfect), you have no real idea about what that persons difficulties are, where they have come from to get where they are or their life, you are comparing yourself to a perception. Nothing that is real. So stop now (note to myself).


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As I am building my business, & hopefully soon I can warrant saying Empire; comparison is definitely becoming a regular occurrence in my mind. With the advance of selfies, facebook updates and letting the world know where & what your doing, its tough not to compare business growth, popularity and demand.

Especially when its just me. Im just here doing what I can with what I have.

I constantly have to remind myself that I am doing this for me. Im following my dream to create a healthy change in the world. Just as you should remind yourself, you are living your life for you.

Everybody’s version fo happiness is different. Do what makes you happy.

Because someone has a great body, a fancy car, or the perfect husband does not equal a life of happiness.

‘To love is to stop comparing’ Bernard Grasset

 

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‘Dont compare your beggining to someone elses middle’ Jon Acuff

Beat your inner critic; Stop comparing:

Acknowledge comparison as a bad habit. Acknowledge when you do it, how often you do it, and reflect on whats going on in your life that’s making you feel less than successful. Perhaps theres an area that needs some attention.

Be true to yourself. Once you accept that you are different (and that difference is beautiful), you will be on the way to truly allowing yourself to be happy. Your life is yours. Everything that is in it or was, and is to be, is something you have created, whether good or bad, its YOURS.

Set your own goals. Are you comparing yourself to other people because they look successful? No doubt they have set their own personal goals, working towards their dream. Just as you should. Stop wasting your precious time and energy, consuming your mind with what other people are up to…focus that energy on your goals, your plan…what do you want to achieve? Write it down and make it happen.

So today, as busy as it has gotten, I’m going to remember that I am more than blessed to have created this. Busy is good. I am thankful.

At the end of the day, do what makes you feel right. I have purposely unfollowed and blocked any similar products on the market, because why do i need to know what they are up to? Of course theres a degree of market research, but honestly, trust your own instincts, follow your own brand beliefs and do what is in line with your business goals.

Love & light, Charlie x.

It is my life, my way. I get to make decisions, and mistakes…and for that I am grateful.

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The Dating Game {for her}

I recently wrote an article about the complexity of the game that is called dating.

The response I received proved I was not the only player playing without a rule book.

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The Dating Game; For her…

{*Please note these are only my thoughts, not rules, and I am definitely not a professional dater}

Stop waiting for someone to ‘fix’ your life.

Is your life broken, perhaps not quite as you want it to be? We all go through the highs and lows that are called life, but its important that you look within yourself to ‘fix’ whatever it is you feel isnt quite right. You are the only one who can truly create change in your life. Sure, other people, love, may help, but these are only a temporary distraction from what is really going on within you.

Imagine how good it will feel when you create change in your life and you have yourself to thank for creating it (I can tell you, it is one of the most overwhelming emotions EVER).

‘Eventually all the pieces fall into place…until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment, and know that everything happens for a reason’. Carrie Bradshaw.

 

 

Love Yourself FIRST.

If you do not truly love yourself, how can you expect someone else to? Love your imperfections, these are your unique gifts. Love your attributes. Love the way you act, the way you speak…learn to love yourself. This is not coming from an egotistical point, but just be ok with who you are. Imagine looking in the mirror and instead of saying ‘I wish I was taller’, ‘gosh your fat’, ‘why cant I look like …{insert favourite models name here}; Imagine if you could start your day with positive self image thoughts; ‘looking good’, ‘Im feeling healthy today’, ‘I really love my hair/skin/eyes’ etc.

This is the best knowledge you will ever attain. You don’t need a certificate of attainment, for this will be written on your heart every day in the way you treat everything around you.

When you truly love yourself for everything that you are and everything that you are not you will give yourself that sense of security you may have always been looking for (I was, in all the wrong places). Good date, bad date, it wont matter because you will always have yourself.

Stop comparing yourself. You are precious; like a diamond.

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”  – Buddha

Ask for what you deserve.

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The game is tricky and many people are serial daters (dating 1, 2, 3 or more people at the same time). When you start to know someone, if you enjoy their company and things are going well, don’t be afraid to ask for respect (basically exclusivity with no pressure). Do you respect your time? So should he. The heart is a sensitive muscle and it can easily be damaged. Respect is a minimum requirement when emotions get involved. And if he can’t/wont….he doesn’t deserve your time. Its ok to create your own standards for what you think is acceptable treatment/behaviour.

Show him how to treat you.

Do you value yourself, your life, your time? Life gets busy and it seems, well for me anyway, my whole life not just work is on a schedule (yes I am hoping to relax this). Men tend to be more blaze then women about plans (we all know this as fact), show him or tell him that it isn’t ok to attempt to organise dinners/sleepovers….that day (A woman has to be prepared!). I’m not advising that you start playing games, just remember, women plan, men, well, they don’t.

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This also shows that you respect yourself and your commitments. Note to all the ladies out there; DO NOT CANCEL on pre arranged plans (with friends! We are all so guilty of this) because he calls last minute. It is not ok and your friends, you know those people who have been in your life for longer, will be upset.

‘A  loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.’ Thomas Carlyle

Do not excuse bad behaviour.

Lies. Cheating. Abuse (physical or mental). Sabotage.

Is not ok.

Date the nice guy (and if you find one of these, let me know 😉 Nice, driven, motivated, kind, & replicates scenes from romcoms…up, its no wonder Im single).

Stop settling/better than nothing.

Don’t be the girl who NEEDs to be in a relationship. Have you ever asked yourself why? Why do you NEED to have someone in your life regardless of if you love them or not? Be happy on your own.

Don’t settle for less than you deserve, but also remember that no one is perfect. so, you don’t like his shoes or perhaps the way he does his hair…these are such minute details, do they even matter?

 

Get rid of your ‘list’. I once had a friend who had read a dating book which advised to write a list of attributes her perfect guy would have, then to keep it folded under her pillow and that then he would enter her life. Did it happen, no. Was every guy she ever met then on not good enough? Yes. Her list of attributes; generally; tall, dark, sexy smile, great body etc…only gave her high expectations that no normal guy could met.

“You cannot be lonely if you like the person you`re alone with.” Wayne Dyer

RELAX your ‘plan’.

The plan you dreamed of when you were a small girl (many dream of being married with children by a certain age) only puts pressure on yourself and the (poor) man you are dating. I personally had definitely thought I would be married by 30. Relax the plan, take it as it happens. Make it easy. Let it flow.

Have faith and trust that everything does happen for a reason. Perhaps you aren’t ready yet, perhaps you have some areas within yourself that need that love your willing to give away.

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“Whatever you are doing, love yourself for doing it. Whatever you are feeling, love yourself for feeling it.”  Thaddeus Golas

When it happens, it will be worth it, and it will be so much better because you will be complimenting each others lives rather than living in need.

Love & Light, Charlie x.

‘Where there is love there is life’ Ghandi

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Happy all the time?

Just yesterday I was asked if I was genuinely happy ALL the time.

I thought it was a simple question to deeply contemplate.

 

The answer of course is no. No, I am not happy all the time. Whilst most of the time I do believe Im living in a different world (choosing to see positive, opportunities and beauty), I still hurt. A cruel word or action can definitely pop my bubble and bring me back down to earth, wondering where did I go wrong? Whats wrong with me…why cant I just seem to ‘make’ it, why will nobody love me?

{oh hello self doubt, self sabotage thoughts}.

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The thing that I have found with happiness, is you must stop searching for it. Stop thinking; ‘When I get married’, ‘when I have a family’, ‘When I achieve my business goal turnover’… {you probably have your own ‘when I do this, then Ill be happy’}.

‘It is not how much we have, but how much we enjoy, that makes happiness.’ Charles Spurgeon

The fact is happiness is yours right now, if you choose to see it, to feel it, and believe it.

Happiness is in the fact that you woke up this morning. For me, I woke up and exercised…happiness. I chose a clean egg white omelette with my espresso whilst I write this…happiness.

Happiness is the small moments that create our life. It is not, and will not ‘appear’ when you achieve your goals, in fact it will most likely remain just out of your grasp. Elusive.

We think happiness is something that means all our problems will dissappear…I promise you they wont. Everyday I genuinely feel a sense of contentment, passion and purpose course through my veins, but all day everyday…no. Its more a general state of wellbeing, of keeping a positive mind, of knowing that life will happen, challenges will arise, people will hurt you, {intentionally or not}…but everything willalways be ok.

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Happiness; you can cultivate it. With an attitude of gratitude.

I BELIEVE THIS WITH ALL OF MY BEING. 

Stop right now, sit comfortably, focus on breathing deeply and create a thought of gratitude. What are you thankful for? It doesn’t have to be something huge, it can be something as simple as I am grateful for my health.’ ‘I am grateful I have a career, work to go to’, ‘I am grateful I woke up this morning.’

‘Be happy with what you have and are, be generous with both, and you wont have to hunt for happiness.’ William E. Gladstone

So simple. What we focus on grows.

I absolutely adore reading and whilst some self-help books are merely thoughts that cannot be applied into daily living, some contain powerful tools that teach you to challenge your thought process, which is naturally prone to negative thinking/self protection.

When I am feeling less than happy, {and that’s perfectly ok to, be at peace with your emotions} I use some of my own personal SOS {really should be Save my Soul, SMS} tools.

‘I am determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by pur circumstance but by our disposition.’ Martha Washington

1. Sit & just breathe.

Notice where and how you are breathing in times of distress; short and shallow. Just take a moment be still and breathe in for the count of 4, retain and then release for the same count, retain. Repeat x 10. There is no better magic cure for your body, your mind and your whole Central nervous system then to breathe deeply.

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2. Make a phonecall to someone who makes me feel good.

This is what friends and family are for. Sadness, depression, anxiety, anger or upset are not signs of weakness, don’t be afraid to reach out to someone for a little love. I sometimes send out a little love note to my friends, the people I truly care about…by giving love, I get love (their replies).

3. Take a break from Social Media.

I’m sure you feel me on this one…there is nothing that can bring you down faster than social media ‘stalking’, ‘research; whatever you prefer to call it. All of a sudden I find myself on the guy I’m crushing’s ex girlfriends page from 3 years ago, reading comments and deciding that they must still be in love? Hmm, not quite sure that is productive for me or a potential relationship. Or, I find myself seeing numerous new ‘competitors’, or businesses of a similar nature to mine, people who I thought were friends/acquaintances to some level, using the EXACT same ingredients in their product?! Does this create a good feeling? No.

4. Listen to my self love song {on repeat} Mariah Carey; Hero. Eva Cassidy; Time after time, or True Colours.

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But if we talk to ourselves at a rate of 50 words per minute, 3000 per hr (Excerpt Authentic Success)…why not get some self love, strong, inspiring words?

‘Theres a hero, if you look inside your heart, you don’t have to be afraid of what you are.

Theres an answer, if you reach into your soul and the sorrow that you know will melt away.

And then a hero comes along with the strength to carry on, and you cast your fears aside and you know you can survive, so when you feel like hope is gone, look inside you and be strong and you’ll finally see the truth that a hero lies in you. 

{oh yes, love, love. And believe me when I say, Ive listened to this more times than I can remember and even reading the words creates a warm feeling in my heart}

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5. Just go to the gym.

Exercise creates endorphins, your internal feel good drugs. I know sometimes I just dont feel like going…it can take me an hr to get there after pro level procrastination, but when I’m there… happiness, or just a general sense of feeling good.

6. Do something business wise I don’t really want to do.

I know the sense of achievement will boost my spirits and Ill feel a sense of pride in being able to do the work I may not want to do.

7. Write.

I still keep a journal of my inner most thoughts, including the things I have written about my dark days, the days when Ive felt on top of the world, and some  of the things I have wanted to express to people who have hurt me. Writing is expression.

8. Just go to bed.

Now the difference is learning when you really need this; rest {I suffered depression and spent days being unable to get out}, or when you are just trying to escape something.

‘Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.’ Dalai Lama

These are some of my little ‘Help me’ tools. Find what works for you. The ocean, running, surfing…create your own ‘happiness cultivation tools’ and have them on speed dial.

So, no I’m not happy all the time, but I am ok. I know that life will have its highs and its lows. I know that some people will love me, and some wont even bother to reply to a text message…and this is ok. I know that Ill have friends forever, and some for a short time. I know that in business, I will make mistakes and I will kick goals. This is all ok.

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And its all good, because I’ve got my own back {and I know the universe does}.

Love & light, Charlie x.

‘Lord knows that dreams are hard to follow, but dont let anyone tear them away’

 

A ‘Can do’ Attitude

Whether think you can or you think you can’t, your right.

Think positive thoughts, and positive things will happen. It sounds so simple, yet for some people it can be everything but.

I have lived a period of my life consumed by hate & negativity. Disgruntled at the situation I was in, feeling ‘victimised’ by the situations that occurred in my life, feeling the ‘poor me’ syndrome. Always  expecting someone to reach out, to help me and just make everything better.

I wasn’t wise enough, willing to look within, or ready to comprehend the power of self love and self assurance.

We can only live this way for so long.

Aren’t you sick and tired of being sick and tired??? Isn’t it time for a change?

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The power of the mind has been studied for centuries, and is receiving more and more recognition in recent years. There have been numerous best sellers (the secret), movies and motivational speakers (Anthony Robbins) that have created empires teaching people how to change their mindset and create the life they love. In a book Im currently reading {Authentic Success, Robert Holden}, ‘The universe, looks less and less like a great machine and more and more like a great thought.’ Modern scientists who study the new physics say that the essential ‘stuff’ of the universe is not atoms, but thoughts.’

Remember, we are creatures if habit. The power to change relies on the breaking of ‘bad/unsupportive’ habits. Negative thoughts are simply bad habits, thoughts you have created in response to situations, generally as a method to self protect/soothe.

Contemplate for a moment how amazing would it feel to break a negative, bad, makes you feel everything but good, habit?

We are all intricate individuals living busy lives, pursuing happiness. It is easy to be consumed by fear and negativity.

What if you actually reached that state of happiness…now? Do you think that would make you feel good? If in this very moment, you had a sense of well being, of peace, of serenity?

Yes…you would feel good, more then good (great I expect).

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Happiness is everywhere…it is in the rising of the sun every morning to light your world, it is in the  breeze that circulates pollen to fertilise the flowers, the carbon that is removed &  oxygen that is released from trees to assist in our state of living, it is in the sun setting allowing the stars to shine bright in the night sky. 

Are these gifts from Mother Nature not happiness? Have you taken a moment to wonder at the worlds natural beauty. To stop for a moment, breathe, relax. Calm your mind. Then deal with whatever situation you are in or that may have occurred.

Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside yourself. Greater than any obstacle.

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A personal favourite mantra of mine (and I’m still learning to master this art); Respond, do not react.

We tend to react when we are acting in fear, of wanting to be right, from our ego, from a place of anger (any state that is opposite of calm).

We respond in a calm manner. Anger or negativity has subsided and we can communicate effectively.

Yes, still learning this (have been advised on many occasions, not to send ‘that’ email/text).

So, how can we break the bad habits of negative thoughts/affirmations…

‘Write it on your heart that everyday is going to be the best day of the year’ Ralph Wardo Emerson

Wake each morning with a feeling of gratitude. Be thankful for the day that you have been blessed with. Every day can be a GOOD day.

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‘There is nothing good or bad, only thinking makes it so’ Hamlet

When a negative thought occurs in your mind, acknowledge it, and let it pass by. Pay absolutely no attention to it. Negative thoughts are affirmations, just negative. The more you repeat them, the more you focus on them, the larger they will grow and suddenly it will seem you are consumed, creating big problems over potentially nothing.

Understand that the thought will pass. The feeling that you are experiencing will pass. Refocus your mind. Think of something that sends warmth into your heart, a person or place that creates a feeling of wellness within you.

Plant seeds of positivity into your mind. Just like a garden those seeds will grow. Feed them, water them, nourish them. This may include activities hat make you feel good; reading, running, yoga…DO MORE of what makes you feel good.

Have faith that you can change your life for the better. Trust yourself. Believe.

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‘The greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude’ Oprah Winfrey

You can create the life you love, you just have to believe it.

My ‘Can do’ attitude was given to me by my Opa; dutch for grandfather. Who, at a very young age had us on his knee learning to drive (manual) tractors on the family farm (whether or not he was trying to teach us a lesson or train us to work on the farm/free labour, who knows?). To this day, he will remind me of my repetitive cries ÍCANT do it”. This man, who is everything any man or woman could look up to (moved to New Zealand during the war, away from family & friends and my beautiful Oma; dutch for grandmother, to create a life of opportunity, and our gorgeous family), did not believe in the words Í CANT’, so we just had to do it (I wasn’t very happy about it at the time I expect), but…I drove a manual tractor, into a few hedges but never the less, I DROVE. And to this very day I remember this lesson taught to me at a young age, if those horrendous words ‘I CANT’ enter my mind and I suffer from self doubt I hear his voice, You ‘CAN’.

*Id like to point out here, that it wasn’t about whether you drove into the hedge or the barn (a cousin of mine  has left her permanent mark), it was about trying.

Love & light, Charlie x.

Today I am choosing to be grateful that thorns have beautiful roses, rather then sad that the roses have thorns. There is good and bad in all things, let the good into your life, nourish it, and it will flourish. Believe it.

My ‘Im not good enough’ belief


This may be difficult for some people to understand, and for some, easy to relate to.
I’ve recently been working with a psychologist to change my cognitive behaviour. For those that don’t know (I do speak openly about it in my book and in my seminars) I suffer depression & bpd.
‘I wish I could show you, When you are lonely or in darkness, The astonishing light of your own being.’ Hafiz
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‘Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. Its the fear that were not good enough.’ Brene Brown

Whilst I am honestly living a life I am loving, and feeling grateful everyday, it wasn’t long ago I started to recognize my own self destruction habits and knew I needed some help.

I had confided and spoken to many of my friends about my acts of self sabotage (I am currently suffering an emotional eating issue), but didn’t find the answers or support I was looking for.
In times of emotional distress or insecurity it’s common for people to create addictions, usually some form of substance or food that creates a sensation of satisfaction.
For me, this is true.

Many people see my highlight reel, my ‘perceived’ success, but few really know the daily battles I face & the constant positive enforcement I require to achieve the things I do (daily happiness).

The honest fact is, it’s hard to build a business on your own. No family support, or lover & very few business minded friends that I feel safe to confide in, it’s been an easy option/way out of my stress to turn to comfort eating (90% this is still clean food).

This self sabotage is an action of my core belief that I will never be good enough.
“I put alot of pressure on myself. I think somethings not good enough, and I wont stop until I feel like Ive made it. Im never satisfied.’ J. Cole
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I will never be good enough, a belief that I created (no one else made me believe it) from a younger age. Any time I feel successful or close to breaking through my barriers I act in self sabotaging manners to bring myself back down to my pre conceived level of where I should be (which I was told at a younger age, wasn’t much).
‘All I can tell you really is if you get to the point where someone is telling you that you are not great or not good enough, just follow your heart and dont let anybody crush your dream.’ Patti LaBelle
So as my business is growing & I’m nearly struggling (in an overwhelmingly grateful way) to keep up, I self sabotage with emotional eating. In times of stress or insecurity I reach for a sense of comfort, not being able to get that from the relationships around me…it has been a bad habit of over eating. You know that over full feeling? That. Thinking that I can’t have it all (inside, I do know I can) because I believe deep within myself that I will never be good enough.
w5Challenging these cognitive behaviours that are engraved in my thought and habit patterns is SO challenging, but it can be done.

It’s never to late to change. Never to late to decide you want more and to decide that you don’t want to live your life a certain way anymore.
k5If you find that you are suffering repeatedly, making the same mistakes or have created acts of self sabotage, know that it is always ok to ask for help.
It’s ok not to be perfect.
Not to have it together all the time (these things I am learning). The best thing you can do is notice. Reflect on your life, on these habits or bad addictions and work with someone to break them.
It’s your life, you are the CEO & you get to direct your thoughts as you would your staff to create the results you want.
‘We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light.’ Mary Dunbar
seslf sabotage 2Be prepared to do the work, I am (stop looking for quick fixes and focus on everyday just being a little better than yesterday).
Ready to break old patterns that are no longer (never were) of benefit to me.
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is essentially a collaborative and individualised program that helps individuals to identify unhelpful thoughts and behaviours and learn or relearn healthier skills and habits. Extract Australian Association for Cognitive and Behaviour Therapy.
‘To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.’ Thich Nhat Hanh
Love & light, Charlie x.
Feeling incredibly vulnerable writing about this, but being true to who I am, my brand and keeping it real.
{Judgement is not welcomed}

A love lost.

Lately I’ve been finding myself a little caught up in the past. You know when you seem to keep re thinking things, how they occurred, moments that have passed.

‘Love is the most beautiful thing to have, hardest thing to earn and most painful thing to lose.’ Unkown

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Obviously not the best place for any of our thoughts to be.

As I’m here building my empire (you have to speak what you believe for it to come true), I’m finding it more and more difficult to find someone to connect with (#love). As the difficulty increases I spend my time (as we all do) evaluating myself, my tendencies to love, to pull away (my current strike rate is 1 date and your out) I cant help but contemplate if I’ve had my great love. That one person who would do anything for ou, who creates their world to make yours better, that one person who is your number one believer, supporter. The one who was always there when it mattered.

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Im referring to my ‘good’ ex. I speak often about my ‘bad’ ex, the one who betrayed my love and trust. But I don’t often speak about the one who I betrayed.

‘You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it.’ Anonymous

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During that not so good time of my life, caught up with my bad ex, his multiple other woman, lies and mental abuse, I was lucky enough to meet someone who was so kind, so in love with me (I never knew why), someone who was my best friend. Yet, I never appreciated him, his time or his love. I wasnt a nice person, actually far from it. I didn’t give him the love he deserved (He’s now engaged and I know he will be an amazing husband, father and wish him and his fiance all the love and happiness that I never gave him).

“The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren’t paying attention to before.”
“Good Will Hunting”

I cant help but contemplate if I’m now/still receiving my karma, from all those years of mistreating him, whilst believing my ‘bad’ ex, Mr Wrong was the right love…am I now paying the price? The struggle to find someone to connect with is real (also there is a study that shows there is a shortage of men in Sydney). Its easy to find someone to share your bed with, but your hopes and dreams and inner fears, not so…this is reality. {yes, i want Marvin Gaye, flowers…romance #highexpectations}

It can sometimes take us a long time to realise what we lose. It’s then the hardest part to recover from that loss, but for me its the guilt I am holding onto. As I create change in my life, give love, share love and build my world, I cant help but have self doubt as I know I wasnt always this person, (I think) kind, loving, ‘nice’.

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‘Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.” Sonia Ricotti

But that’s the beauty of life…we have the power, the opportunity to create it, everyday, every thought, every word we speak.

So, as I process my guilt, my regret I can only wish my lost love all the very best and work through releasing my thoughts, knowing that he is now happier than I ever could have made him. And after all, isnt that the true sign of love… their happiness?

“Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met.” Unknown

And hopefully everyday that I do good will help rebuild my own love karma.

It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

Love & light, Charlie x.

Show someone you love & appreciate that you do today. A cute text message (those smiles ;), an extra long hug, a beautiful meal. Say ‘I love you’.

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{I think 😉 }

High Expectations or Close minded.

After a few disaster first dates (in succession), I have had to stop and take a moment to evaluate what was happening.

I made a vision board at the beginning of this year, in love it stated ‘to live with an open heart’.

I believed I was/am finally ready to find love, to feel love (you may recall my history, the cheating, abusive, lying ex, the fake engagement ring, the other girlfriends, and in turn my own insecurities emphasised).

‘The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.’ Thich Nhat Hanh

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However, as the dates fail, Im left to question… is it me? As I have cultivated self love, and am chasing my dreams, I know I am very driven. I believe hard work and persistence will eventuate to success. Is this too much for some males? I have come to the conclusion that it just might be (please note these are only my thoughts, about my experiences), especially if the male doesnt yet have their own dream job, or life in control. Is it threatening for a female to be more successful than the male they date?

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{#funny as my range Clean Treats aka #charliesballs are extremely popular this may be impossible literally}

Or is it just that my expectations of ‘just knowing’ are to high? I must admit I am a hopeless romantic (and I express this through all my social media channels repeatedly), the very thought of ‘just knowing’ makes my heart smile. So after 1 date with no fluttering of butterflies I chose to not pursue it and instead become ‘busy’.

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day…” – Ryan Gosling, The Notebook

It was brought to my attention that this could be very close minded thinking. A friend (who I would say is a serial dater, 3 or more per week) made a comment that to her it was the second date that was the most interesting, it was when you could talk about things deeper than the ‘who are you’, ‘what do you do’ level and find out if you actually had a connection (I wouldnt know as Im a 1 date wonder).

However, I value my time (if any of you have created a business you will understand the time it takes), in fact the honest truth is I would prefer to be labeling, designing, anything empire building elated then enduring these bad dates. If after 1 date I dont feel the ‘magic’ I dont feel it beneficial to invest more of my time. Believe it or not, but with the ex, I knew…from the moment I met him I would love him (perhaps this alone is a sign saying I shouldnt be looking for the same feeling).

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‘I knew the second I met you that there was something about you I needed. Turns out it wasnt something about you at all. It was just you.’ Beautiful Disaster, Jamie McGuire

Open heart…seems I am only able to give love without letting anyone get to close to me. Sadly, this is true. Ive spent so long re-building my life to where it is today (I experience complete happiness, contentment and bliss everyday) that I am living in fear of someone coming and taking it all away from me.

Seems to me I am still living in fear of heart break. Like what was done before, the tear apart your life heart breaking hurt, the kind that left me lifeless.

‘when you love someone / you are scared of getting hurt / and you will get hurt’ Brandon Scott Gorrell

As I read self help, self love and psychology books they all advise…never to settle. So as we get older, love ourselves more and become scure in our chosen careers, our list for a suitable companion also grows…becoming nearly impossible for anyone to succeed.

High expectations…is it too much to ask for flowers?

‘And in her smile I see something more beautiful than the stars’. Across the Universe, Beth Revis

Let me tell you, that the last 3 first dates I have been on, they each expected (and asked for) an invite upstairs to my apartment. This alone guarantees you no callback. Seriously? First date = action? I must have missed this rule whilst I’ve been to busy chasing my dreams. The worst, is that each of these guys are/were friends with me on facebook and I am quite sure that I make it known Im not that type of girl.

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A males expectations…horizontal cardio. My expectations…soul warming chat, perhaps a flower or 2, NO PRESSURE.

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No wonder were (Im) living in a world of confusion.

Love & light, Charlie x.

Or am I just in love with the idea of true love?

(thanks Disney)

‘He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.’
Bob Marley

#oneday.

Heal your hurt; give more love.

It’s no doubt that we have all been hurt by people in our lives at some stage; family, friends, lovers.

 

It’s something I know we struggle with, the hurt, resentment, pain. How can we resolve issues that we are so sure we are RIGHT in without causing more conflict? As a very personal person {believe it or not but I do like to keep my most inner musings to myself and express through writing}, I find it has become difficult to communicate our true intentions. (Most of the time letting go of the need to be in the RIGHT, will resolve any issue).

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‘Remember that the happiest people are not those getting more, but those giving more.’ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Though we live in a world where technology allows us to communicate in a mere moment, how often is it effective? How often are you expressing your true feelings, needs and thoughts? I know for myself, at least once a day I’m confused of the subtext and the context of text. Reading on the lines, between the lines…and then deciphering those emojiis.

I am beginning to understand the true power of love and release. Of being able to just let go (believe me as a traditional over analysing personality type, a person who wants to know all the whys and hows, this has been a learning curve for me). What I have found to be true, and it’s working for me, if somebody hurts you, disrespects you or treats you in a manner not aligned with your beliefs {basically in not a good way}, as much as you feel anger, hurt, sadness or pain…change those feelings with conscious thoughts of love.

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‘Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love’. Lao Tzu

It can be hard but it’s not impossible. Change your energy, and intention and instead of focusing on the bad, the words that have been said, the situation that has occurred, realise that they are only people who are doing the best they can with what they have, just like you… And send them love. Not hate. And let it go.

‘You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving’. Robert Louis Stevenson

 

This is a process and practice I am working on personally, and I have found it much better to be a giver of love rather than a creator of ill will. You can change the world that you live in by simply changing your thoughts. If you find it difficult to change from such negativity to positivity research ways that you can express yourself, via writing, fitness, reading, music…

There are many ways to release and remove bad feelings, just find what works for you. For me, if someone does something to me or acts towards me in a way I’m not quite comfortable with, Ive started my ‘give more love’ process by imagining all the good things about that person, letting go of judgement and thoughts of ‘why’, then I create love, energy and light in my heart and send it to them. Wish them well. Then I let go. Sometimes some people aren’t meant to be in our lives.

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‘Give love, then forget that you gave it’ Sun Myong Moon

Use acts of self-love to tune into the environment you want to create by the people you surround yourself with. We are a product of that environment.

Do you have deep connections or are your conversations filled with what happened in a nightclub on the weekend? Or are those conversations always negative?

As I create my dream reality I’m finding myself drawn to others who are living their own passion, those who are thankful for each day, the dreamers, the opportunity makers…they make me want to be more…to believe in myself, to be a game changer, they inspire me and my soul delights in them.

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‘Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need.’ Khalil Gibran

Let love create your world. Speak words of beauty and act with intention. Let go of anything that is not creating a better world for you and in turn for them. Use love to overcome the feelings that will only bring you down; hate, hurt, pain, envy, jealousy…and remove them from your heart {remember it is ok to feel these emotions, I’m purely suggesting you don’t keep your intentions focused on them and instead, change your focus and thoughts to the most powerful feeling of all, love}

Love & light, Charlie x.

Using love to heal my heart {and I believe its working!}

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