Toxic; something that deflects life, energy and is no good for you.
I was recently asked by a friend for some advice about how to distance herself, break and get over a bad relationship. A relationship she felt she had lost herself to, and was now causing her Emotional trauma.
When asked by this person, someone I thought had a strong sense of self, a strong sense of being, I began to contemplate; how does this happen, to the best and worst of us all? We get stuck in relationships that are detrimental to our health in the name of love?
Surely this is the opposite of love? And how do we allow ourselves to become lost? What an interesting contemplation.
‘Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: theyre trying to find someone whos going ti make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.’ Anthony Robbins
But it does happen. It happened to me. I was always chasing the thought of being married to the love of my Life (by 30, just to add extra pressure), chasing the thought that love from another would complete me. In fact, in this love I refer to, I did the opposite I lost myself, completely. All for the hope of one today becoming his wife and the sense of security I thought being that would mean; always having someone there.
Relationships based on obligation lack dignity. Wayne Dyer
Now, when I reflect it wasn’t him at all, it was the sense of security I thought being in a relationship portrayed; of having someone always there, a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on and of course someone to always love. It can be confronting to think about your relationship in such a manner, bringing up negative thoughts and emotions, but if you are feeling a sense of being unworthy, of feeling lost, contemplating if this is right…I suggest you take a moment and ask yourself the difficult questions (for in your heart you already know the answer).
If you are afraid to be yourself; the relationship isn’t good for you.
If you feel you aren’t good enough; the relationship isn’t the best one for you.
If you feel you are always wrong; the relationship probably isn’t right for you.
Dont you want to be in a relationship you can be your true self? encouraged to grow and develop into the amazing person you want to be? In a relationship that is supporting and nourishing, where you treat each other with a minimum level of respect?
‘Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions.’ Will Smith
Now, I can honestly tell you, there is always someone there; yourself, your sense of trust, faith and belief that you can deal with anything this beautiful life offers (you just have to take some time to develop it, like watering seeds ina garden, self love will grow).
So, from falling in love to being trapped in something we don’t know how to break away from, something were not to sure about that we once were positive this was the best love ever, where does the love go? Our sense of self?
‘Falling in love and having a relationship are two different things.’ Keanu Reeves
Some people choose to be in relationships that they know in their hearts aren’t good, scared of being alone.
A thought…why are you scared of being alone? You always have yourself; are you a person you would want to spend time with? (If yes, excellent, I suggest you start spending some quality time with that gorgeous person, if no; what ways can you grow and develop for yourself?)
Often, when in these relationships we become addicted to the drama, the highs of love and the lows of hate.
‘What fascinates me about addiction and obsessive behavior is that people would choose an altered state of consciousness that’s toxic and ostensibly destroys most aspects of your normal life, because for a brief moment you feel okay.’ Moby
We become people we don’t even recognize in the mirror, acting in ways different to that of our true selves, of our morals and beliefs.
My advice for those that feel they are in one of these difficult relationships, is simply ask yourself is this what I really want? Is this how I should be treated? Is this the right way to treat someone else?
Take some time to fall in love with yourself. The saying, first you must love yourself before you can love someone else is true. If you don’t love yourself, your life, you look to the other person to ‘fix’ those areas. Automatically putting pressure on someone who has no idea of those unseen expectations, and is surely destined to fail.
Contemplate; if the relationship is causing you drama, emotional trauma and you are no longer being true to yourself, is this the definition of a good relationship? Is this the type of relationship you would be happy for any of your loved ones; family and friends to be in?
We seek advice from others, family, friends, even counsellors (I have seen many and I truly believe they are like a personal trainer for your mind), yet all the answers you need are within you.
Break the addiction. That’s all it really is. Learn to have some self-respect, you are worthy of so much more, but be sure you have more to give. You will be ok on your own, it may take time, practice patience with yourself; good things take time.
Love & light, Charlie x.
Dedicated to a friend I wish I could offer more than my words & love to.